April 20, 2009
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Dear Snippie ( I want a fuck buddy )
QUESTION:
16/F
I’m just out of a serious relationship and got badly hurt. I now want a long break from men, but don’t want to give up sex. Are fuck buddies any good? I know i’d get a few offers if i asked people, so is there any harm in having occasional no-strings sex with a friend? What would i do if they developed feelings? It seems like fun, should i just go for it?ANSWER:
This is something you have to decide for yourself. But I can tell you that in my experience, I was able to do this with no feelings involved and it was great. You just have to know whether or not you are strong enough to not get hurt if he doesn’t call, stay the night or just basically treat you like you are not his girlfriend. Do not treat him like he’s your boyfriend. Do not call him all the time. Only call him when you want sex. Just remember, be safe. Since you are not in a monogamous you are more likely to get an STD. Get tested regularly and make sure to talk to your doctor about ways to protect yourself.Send your SEX questions to:
dearsnippie@gmail.com
Include Ages & M/F
Please rec
this post.
The more recs I get, the more questions I get to answer.
Thanks
, Snippie
Comments (77)
Are you mature enough to handle the no-strings-attached aspect? Have the right backup methods for pregnancy or preventing STDs? Do you tend to get attached easily? All questions to consider… Personally, I can’t handle it – I value relationships too much and can’t seperate the physical / emotional aspects well at all. I can understand that you’re in pain and want to “get away” from what had caused that – but this might be a knee jerk reaction. Think about it before you jump into the sack.
Hrm…..I predict mixed advice coming from this one…..but I agree with your advice….be strong enough to know what you’re getting into and be safe…..after that…enjoy yourself…and stick with the rules lol
Based on the fact that you have written this email and you are doubting if they are a good idea or not, I say dont do it.
Gee Snippie you are good. great advice.
STDs!
No-strings attached fuck buddies are 99% impossible. When we orgasm, our bodies get a dose of the hormone oxytocin, which causes emotional bonding. This hormone is produced in animals whose offspring have long development periods, like humans. Their chances of survival increase with the help of both parents, so oxytocin causes monogamy through emotional bonding.
So, when you have sex with someone – even a fuck buddy – your body produces this hormone that causes you to get attached. You literally can’t have no-strings attached sex unless you find a way to inhibit the production of oxytocin or something.
I can’t really give much advice on this as I married my last ‘fuck buddy’. But, before him, I could do the ‘no strings attatched’ sex thing and never talk to the guys again. You just have to tell yourself that it’s just sex, not love making, and that it’s a game. God I sound like such a slut now… lol I’m gonna stop while I’m ahead.
@Ex_Adyto_Cordis - it is possible. i did it. many times.
I wouldn’t do it. I think if she is 16 she needs to stick to what she knows. school, and being a teenager.
If you have to ask, then you probably aren’t ready. It shows you already have doubts. Tread carefully, for friends with benefits can be dangerous waters if not handled correctly!
Trust me. You don’t want one. It gets COMPLICATED and people get hurt.
Nice objective answer, I think most the crowd has it right though in if you have to ask better not.
You probably want more than one FB, to keep the bonding to a minimum. You’re 16, so the last thing you need to be doing is thinking about being with one person forever. And do try to avoid guys you go to school with. Guys can’t keep their mouths shut, and word will get around, if that matters to you.
Snippie, you are marvelous! It would be so easy for you to take the safe route here and discourage young people, who would then disregard your advice anyway. You fill a vacuum in the public service arena with your non-judgmental, common-sense, real-world answers.
I think 16 is too young. Sorry. Wait until you’re 18 at least. If ever.
If anything, wait a few months. You JUST got out of a relationship, so I’m thinking your emotions aren’t too stabilized yet. Just stick with masturbation for a while.
My advice is to go with masturbation or a vibrator for a while, at least until you have worked through the feelings that you were left with from the serious relationship. Fuck buddies have their place but as mentioned above, they come with complications (no matter how hard you try to avoid them). The safest way to ease your want for sex is with your hand or vibrator and the bonus is that you can not catch an STD from those!
(…another bonus is that you will know your body better and that will make your sex life much better in the future!)
The odds of being able to maintain one of these relationships, particularly at 16 and just out of a relationship where you acknowledge getting badly hurt is far less than the odds of attachment forming and you getting hurt again.
wow, 16 years old and looking for a fuck buddy? stick to the schoolwork and crushes. damn.
Just don’t fuck vanedave!
I’m afraid that at 16…the only thing she will be is labled as a slut in school. Because there are no boys her age mature enough to understand what BF means…to them it will just be a piece of ass…and actually that is exactly what it is. Boys like to brag. And by the time it get’s around school, i’m thinking it won’t be to pretty. Consider the pro’s and con’s on this one.
@TheDumberScott - @ccdow - I agree completely.
you’re 16. i strongly you not opt for a fuckbuddy. the setup is sort of empty when it comes to feelings. kind of left me numb.
i would suggest you date. relationships at your age are destined to fail. but every one of them will teach you something for the next one. it’s far better to be hurt than just be numb, let me tell you that from experience.
@tjordanm - lol? that was random..
@Kontzicles - He’s got the AIDS.
@Paul_Partisan - that was the best advice. (in my measly opinion.)
funny no one considers the long term implications of encouraging this girl to just have casual sex. ♥
@Paul_Partisan - I agree with Paul, in my own past experiences, it does leave you pretty numb. doing this could possibly be psychologically damaging. It was difficult for me to start a new real relationship for quite awhile because I just felt so… numb.
As hard as “no strings attached” is, it becomes a hundred times more difficult when you’re just out of a relationship where you got hurt badly.
I would definitely discourage it, especially considering your personal circumstances. IE: your age, recent breakup, maturity level etc.
um, you’re sixteen. it sounds to me like what you want is validation that you’re still worth someone’s time, considering you’ve just been badly hurt by a bf and are looking to get right back into the physical aspect of a relationship without the potential (you think) of getting hurt again.
i suggest you take some time to know yourself and what you want out of life, get over the guy you just split with, and then maybe try dating again. i think you’re trying to cover up your feelings with a lot of meaningless sex, but i’m afraid it’s not going to be the retreat you think it will.
Do you know how many so-called “fuck buddiez” I have?
Five.
Thousand.
Heed my words, or you’ll surely suffer. Although, this information is not a specific command, heed them anyway. Cuz I says so. I hath spoken.
@tjordanm - wow. Really?
@TheDumberScott - Agreed. What the hell are you doing with a fuck buddy at 16? For god sakes you don’t NEED to have sex! You’ll still be cool. People will still want to hang with you. If they don’t then they are pretty fucking worthless to begin with.
When I was 16 I was worrying about practicing my instrument and getting good grades. You’re too young. Stick to school for now.
Did you even think of your social life at school? People are bound to find out. You’ll be the slut in high school. What a great thing to be known as.
@The_Female_Essence - I think I did…
@Kontzicles - you just say that because you love my carefully crafted tough heathen exterior
At 16, just have some fun, but that doesn’t mean you have to be having sex to have fun. @Paul_Partisan - I’m gonna have to agree with this. I agree it can definitely leave you feeling empty. This is the best opinion I’ve seen.
@Paul_Partisan - lolllll…NO because you’re right. and you’re not giving advice that she wants to hear.. You’re being honest. No kid at 16 should be considering a “f*** buddy”. not because of age necessarily .. but because it’s really hard to handle.. and those that have done it.. know….
I’m pretty cold-hearted like a man.. so it might be different for me.. but the odds.. (and when I was that age.. i got attached way more easily.) are not so much in her favor.
blah blah blah.. heathen.. blah. blah.. blah..
@I_Am_Serious_Cat -
what words? heed what? take the catnip out of your mouth and speak plainly, feline. ♥
@Paul_Partisan -
yes, i see. my apologies … i was too wrapped in my own thoughts for to see that… ♥
@I_Am_Serious_Cat - 5000? You’re one feisty feline!
STDS
@The_Female_Essence - Heed the fact that I’ve had five THOUSAND sexual partners in my entire lifetime. That’s five thousand more than you’ll ever have. Ever.
@methodElevated - Yes. Keep kissing my ass, and I may spare you once I destroy the world.
Anybody who commented on her age are ridiculous. This girl came to you for advice (and she got great advice by the way) and now she is being ridiculed because of her age. I’m 19 years old, and you better believe I was having sex at 16 with girls that were my age. Times are different now.
@flann00 - thank you. and i just know if it were a boy asking peoples responses would be different. They think all girls that are under 18 shouldnt be having sex and should be mother teresas. well we know thats not gonna happen. She didnt send me a question for me to judge her. So I gave her an honest answer.
I can’t believe how judgmental people are here. It’s not your life, it’s none of your business what someone does in the privacy of their own bedroom. I blame this all on religion personally, but that’s beside the point. Sex (like alcohol) is one of those things that has been proven medically to be one of those “sinful things” that is actually beneficial for the heart. Don’t believe me? Look it up!!!
Anyway, my advice reflects Snippie’s in this case. Just be sure you’re regularly tested for any types of STI’s (I think they changed the terminology a few years back from “diseases” to “infections,” but that’s neither nor there), and please use protection. You don’t want to end up pregnant. The downside is, of course, some claim that there’s less pleasure that way (I don’t know if this is true as I’m a 22 year old guy who’s never had sex), but maybe a bit less pleasure is worth the decreased risk. Stay safe, and as others have said, please disregard the judgmental attitudes of others.
follow the Seinfeld approach to this, would be my advice. set some ground rules, and follow them. not that I have any experience in this area, but Seinfeld is a fertile source of wisdom.
@der_lila_Stern - I definitely agree. You’re still young. You’ll get plenty of sex in your future relationships. Don’t mess with the heartache of a fuck buddy.
@I_Am_Serious_Cat -
five thousand!! wow! well you are one serious tomcat. there’s another word for promiscuous pussy’s, but i can’t think of it at the moment – i may have less numbers than you – but quality over quantity. any day. fluff your tail at that, feline. ♥
She’s 16? Uhh……….
I would volenteer but ur not 18. If u want to do an online thing then yeah but in the real world..noope
@abilene_piper_lg -
a. You don’t know the kinds of emotions teenage girls have.
b. You’ve never even had sex.
If you’re just looking for a reason to blame organized religion for something, congratulations.
All the sex I’ve ever had has been casual, or these kinds of situations. It works for me, I see where this girl is coming from, wanting to find a situation where she can feel intimacy but not have commitment and protect herself from hurt.
But when you’re that young, you have no idea how well you can really control your emotions when you are sleeping with someone.
I suppose I can say to this girl, proceed with caution. In trying to protect yourself from being heartbroken again, there is no guarantee you won’t get hurt by having a fuck buddy around. Especially since high school guys are retards, chances of this are moderate to high.
And beware of the label this will create for yourself at school. People will find out, and they will talk.
All I am saying is be prepared for the negative as well as the positive and don’t say no one told you so.
You have to do what you want, but don’t think that this is the solution, because it opens up pandora’s box to a whole new world of problems. Not just the whole “preggo/STD” issue, but shit is still complicated, because you have to constantly work on not getting feelings for a person while you are doing an activity that is meant to bring two people closer.
Hope you spend time weighing the pros and cons, and that your head is in a solid place.
Even the best of us get burned now and then.
@The_Female_Essence - exactly
uhm i’m sorry are you serious. you’re 16. what in the world do you need a fuck buddy for? it’s called masterbation. you’re young & i don’t think that that’s going to the best solution. you’re very vuleranable right now & to add a random penis into the mix is probably not the best option right now
It’s tough for me to advise on something like this without my moral principles getting in the way.
But I do think you do, at the very least, need to wait a while longer if you just got out of the relationship. I don’t know you personally, so I don’t know about your emotional stability or whatever, but it would seem to me that you’re still very young and have a lot of growing up to do. Those kind of things happen with relationships…not fuck buddies.
At 16, maybe.
Dear Snippie, Are you crazy? She’s SIXTEEN. I know a lot of teenagers, but I don’t know a single one who is responsible enough to use contraceptive and STD protection Every.Single.Time. Nor have I met a 16-year-old girl who can handle the emotions of casual sex. If there is a girl out there like that, she has a very hardened heart–probably the result of a messed up life. If you’re going to give sex advice to children, you better be careful to err on the cautious side. Otherwise she might be writing you again when she’s contracted HIV.
I was going to say a lot of things but this is what it boils down to:
Are you sure you are ready for this? Let’s call this what it is, you are going to be a jump off. People can cry about titles all they want but that is the truth. And you will not be the only one. Or you shouldn’t be. That is too much like a relationship. When feelings start floating its time to break. All you will be good for to him is sex. So don’t get it twisted and start thinking that he should care. The only thing you would want to discuss is if he is clean. Those other women that he is talking to aren’t any of your business. Actually nothing about him other than his STD status is your business. You are the jump off. When he gets a girl friend you will be dropped, if he gets tired of the same booty you will be dropped. If you aren’t doing it right you will be dropped. And if you get in your feelings about it then that is your fault.
Boys talk more than girls, so you will be talked about at
your age. You will get labeled. I am not going to sugar coat anything for you
this is the real. All this if you ready
stuff is for the birds. Either you can handle it or you can’t. It takes a rare
person to be able to take this type of relationship. People are going to call
you names, but you have to know your role. You are not the girl friend, or the
boo, you are the jump off, cut buddy, that’s it.
The truth of the matter is, you are 16, and you
are fresh out of a relationship…I honestly don’t think it’s a good look.But here are some blogs you might be interested
in, I wrote one and a friend of mine on xanga wrote one. Read them if you like.
http://miss-thiq.xanga.com/690284192/accepting-your-jump-offs-jump-offs/
http://ciaobella810.xanga.com/683387639/will-you-be-my-boofriend-edit2/
@weedorwildflower - umm, first of all, if this girl is looking for a fuck buddy she is most likely sexually active. second of all, snippie did tell her to be safe.
@Paul_Partisan - “Snippie did tell her to be safe.” Yah, that’s like telling a 5-year-old to be careful when crossing a 6-lane highway. They may have done it before without getting run over; that’s no reason to keep doing it. And telling them to be careful is a joke.
@weedorwildflower - drama!
@weedorwildflower - i dont know when you went to high school but when i went 13-17 yrs ago I knew a lot of sexually active people at the age of 16 (i wasnt until after I graduated), not 1 of them ever contracted any serious STDs,because believe it or not teenagers do listen to adults to some degree.
the joke is people like you who have a high and mighty attitude.
@Paul_Partisan - @DearSnippie - Congratulations, Paul, on none of your friends getting HIV. But before you or Snippie advise teens to have casual sex with multiple partners, I recommend you volunteer at an HIV clinic and be there when they tell a teen they are HIV positive. Or better yet, go sit with a dying friend whose body is ravaged with AIDS, and when they can no longer respond to you because of AIDS-related dementia and a weakened body that can’t digest food without vomiting and diarrhea, spend some time thinking about the wisdom in your advice.
When you’ve actually sat with someone who’s just been diagnosed with HIV, or when you’ve seen someone die this kind of death–as I have–you might just change your mind about what’s safe and wise … and what’s “high and mighty.”
@weedorwildflower - having a fuckbuddy is not a synonym for multiple partners. get that straight right now. many people contract HIVs by their supposedly “exclusive” partners in normal relationships.
@weedorwildflower - wtf, is you problem? i didnt tell her to go have sex. i told her i cant make that decision for her. then i told her how to be careful and what to do if she decided to do it. So I’m sorry you have an issue with my advice thats why you can give your own. But dont go bashing me for my OPINIONS! We all have them but it doesnt mean that yoours are any better than mine and vise versa. She’s not going to go sleeping around just becuase I told her to be safe. Just because she’s 16 doesnt mean she’s fucking stupid. So chill the fuck out!!!
@weedorwildflower - and also may I add, in some parts of the US girls that are 16 are well within their rights to have sex with people in a certain age range.
@DearSnippie - Lucky.
@Ex_Adyto_Cordis - ?
@DearSnippie - If you don’t like drama I think it was unwise for you to respond to a question about casual sex from a girl so young.
It’s the internet. There is always drama.
You should be happy, people get heated when they discuss things they feel strongly about.
@devilscrayon - who said i didnt like drama?
@DearSnippie - You seemed quick to comment back, perhaps
@devilscrayon - quick to comment? just cause i say “drama”when i see it doesnt mean i dont expect it to be on my blog
Dear Snippie, you can’t give advice.
@DearSnippie - So you expected it then, makes perfect sense now.
@mansei - i just did
@devilscrayon - i always expect it. people love to bitch and complain. its what happens on xanga. you see it everywhere. so im not surprised. in fact you’re drama right now
@DearSnippie - Drama is entertaining.
wow. what a disgusting world we live in. a sixteen year old girl people. and your advice is anything but safe or mature. you should be ashamed of yourself. people like you should not be given the privilege to breed. having sex isn’t a game. it is not for little girls and little boys. you make me sick. nothing in any of your posts constitutes as advice. nothing you have written is accurate in any way shape or form. half of you revolting people should not be allowed to raise children of your own. scourge of the earth.
@DearSnippie - Lucky = being able to have a fuck buddy without being attached. If I could, I would’ve gotten a fuck buddy while I was single.
My advice to the girl who wrote in:
1) If you get pregnant and have a baby while under 18, CPS will be called. Just be prepared to deal with that, on top of having some random guy’s baby.
2) Some insane percentage of the US population has HPV. It causes genital warts, which can also show up in other random places, like your face, hands, etc. Some strains also contribute to cervical cancer. If you get HPV, you will have abnormal pap smears. You will have to have Cryotherapy or a LEEP to remove the cells, neither of which is pleasant. You would have your cervix removed if you develop cancer.
3) The treatments for abnormal cervical cells can cause you to never be able to carry a child. Your cervix could become incompetent, which means that it wouldn’t close tightly enough to hold a developing fetus. That means miscarriages. If you got cancer, obviously, you can’t carry a child with no cervix.
4) You will have to deal with the consequences later in life. You will have to explain to your future husband that you had random fuck buddies. You might not care about this though, that’s a personal moral issue. Would you be upset if your husband had several random fuck buddies in his past? Personally, it would bother me. But, as I said, this might not be a concern for you. To each his own.
5) Are you prepared to be labeled by the people who find out about your lifestyle? It’s inevitable when you’re in high school. People will find out. I hope you have a thick skin.
Good luck!
I don’t no I think that fuck buddies are a decent thing as long as ur safe about it ya no.