April 2, 2009
-
No one can break me
I should be happy. I should be satisfied. Why do I feel so empty inside right now? Why do I feel like nothing I say or do matters? I take my meds so I don’t feel depressed but is the depression seeping through? Is it finding it’s way around the medication and taking over? Anger is finding it’s way back to me. He’s coming out in little ways telling me I should feel him. Use him. Be him. Embrace him. Don’t be nice anymore Becca. Be the bitch you know you are. Don’t be nice to those that walk over you. Tell them what you really feel. Don’t let your family make you feel bad. Tell them what you really think. Don’t avoid conflict. Take it by the horns and fight with it. Make it yours. Tear it up. Rip it to shreds and then feel the pain. Feel the pain of hate and love.
The new me that was so happy and nice is slipping away. I need to protect myself. I can’t protect myself that other way. The walls need to go back up. They need to be sturdy and strong. No one can break me down. Not even me.
Comments (63)
hmm… what’s your outlet when you feel this way?
I know exactly how you feel. Its no way to live though, and it sucks. But sometimes it feels like theres no other way then just put those walls back up.
We’re always here to listen when you need to rant. Use us for that. We all heart you!
Aw, Snippie. I want to hug you and tell you that you can work through this. Matt asks a good question. What is your outlet?
I love you.
–KC
Get it all out, girl. We’re pulling for you.
Use us, Becca. Abuse us! I say let the ‘blood’ flow! Tell us more, Becca.
Its not safe to have your guards up constantly, you must let some things through. In order for the feeling to mend itself, something has to interact with it.. it can’t be stuck in a glass bottle. Sure we can see there is something, but what? We can’t get to it.. Becca! help us help you! LET us help you.
You help us all the time, and now, I think its time for us to return the favor. Please
It cause you don’t visit me as much. You need a few laughs.
Love you, Becca. You can protect yourself, while still being a sweetheart, and if you ever need someone to talk to, I’ll be glad to listen. I understand; I certainly have my own dark side. If you need to hear a voice, I’ll gladly give you my real name & number. Just message me, and I will send it.
*hugs*
I always have had big walls around me
Let it out, Becca. We’re here for you!
Just remember you always have a choice in life. Dont be afraid of change!
hold strong hon. you’ll get through this.
What Matt said.
That’s what tequilla is for. Makes you forget all the problems.
Beccas, Snap out of it. This isnt something you havent been through before, right? You know when I met you I was sure that I would never become friends with you, you were too tough. A stone wall, with a smug grin. You were what I wanted to be. Yet I could always feel myself slipping away, sliding back into sadness. You are stronger than you think. Im always here to talk if you wish. You know where to find me.
Like others have said, find an outlet! Write about things that bother you, or do kickboxing (that’s my personal outlet). Also, conflict doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It is good to stick up for yourself and let others know what’s up, as long as you do it in a way that will help you (and hopefully others) feel better in the long run.
That being said, I know it is hard to do.
You are loved REGUARDLESS of how you feel about it Becca! ((((HUGS))))
~Grampy~
Its hard to be nice and happy when those that are supposed to be loving and supportive are total crapsters. HUGS!
Use that anger to put up a shield around you, delve into making your home your sanctuary, reminding yourself that you are a good person who deserves kind treatment. Pamper yourself a bit.
Then remember that you can’t argue with ignornant people. It’s logically impossible and your time is too valuable to waste on them.
One thing I love to say to my crazy arsed people that stops them in their tracks? I respectfully disagree. Then I end the conversation or walk away or whatever. It causes their heads to explode, so make sure to take cover. After the explosion, its one less conversation topic you’ll have deal with from the ignorant person. They won’t go there because you used manners AND logic at the same time.
Saying it sane people is fine, too, and they agree to disagree and move on. No harm done. Its a lovely statement.
I hope t gets better, and i know it will!
Whenever I came to her with tears running down my face because someone had upset my little world with a word or deed my Nona would tell me to remember to be the wind. Nona told often me that a lady should strive to be like the wind. Usually gentle and soothingly peaceful bending the atmosphere around her. Spreading seeds of life, no one really noticing when she is quietly moving in their lives. But she is also capable of great and powerful acts of destruction if those she loves are threatened. She can destroy quickly an adversary, without them even seeing what hit them or she may slowly wear away a stubborn mountain with persistent little breezes and yet all assaults aimed at her pass right through. Walls can hold you a prisoner as much as they keep others out so Snippie be the wind……….
@TheBigShowAtUD - people that piss me off. i take it out on them.
@antisoccermom - these times just make me stronger. Don’t worry about me. I’ve been through a lot and can handle anything thrown my way.
@echois23@care@momaroo -
@mrsprosa - @UnworthyofHisgrace -
@Lushy - @makethemakersmile - @der_lila_Stern
- @LostInTheLyrics - @lonelywanderer2 -
@BenevolentOne - @Laryssa - @Krissy_Cole -
@Garistotle -
-thank you so much. I appreciate that guys
I tried to leave a comment, but when I hit submit, Xanga ate it.
So in case I lose the comment again, I just wanted to say I’m sorry you are feeling low, and that I have definitely been there. I have a completely poisonous family that can drag me down from the highest points, and it sounds like you are dealing with some similar issues. The thing that helps me most is focusing on the positive people around me, and it’s pretty obvious to me, here on Xanga, that you are well loved with reason. Feel better soon!
@echois23 - Great comparison!!!
@LostInTheLyrics - Did you block me, and if so, why? I always liked talking with you.
Feel better, Snippie…
just be real. It’s easy to be nice, but being snide and mean is all in the timing. Stay true, and make them respect where you are going.
Unfortunately we all go through days like this from time to time. I’m going through that myself as I’m typing this to you. I keep reminding myself that tomorrow is a new day and I’m the only one that can make myself happy. I can choose to go through the day & be sad, or choose to be happy. I know it’s easier said than done but we can do it
) We’ve done it before, we can do it again. I see it as a challenge and I’ll just overcome adversity like a bitch that needs to be slapped in the face. If we never feel pain or failure, we wouldn’t know what joy or triumph feels like if it stared right back at us. Good luck & I hope you feel better 
) Cry if you need to, be sad if you need to, but don’t let it become someone else that you’re not.
There are times when it seems nothing is right. I know how that feels – been there, done that. Just be strong and if you must put up those walls to protect yourself, do it. Just don’t isolate yourself from the ones who care about you the most.
I’m pulling for you – know that we are all here for you!!!!
*I think you deserve a monster hug!!!!*
Unbreakable. They made a movie about people like you.
I’m sorry you feel sad wish i could help.If you need someone talk to message me.
I think you’re going to have to find a happy medium. It’s necessary to be able to express yourself when you feel you may be getting ran over by family. You can be nice and still protect yourself. I encourage you to really absorb yourself into whatever your outlet may be during these times. Just remember, nice people can still be mean when necessary. I hope you feel better soon. <3
you can still assert yourself and maintain your sweetness. ((hugs)) but i know how tough your family situation can be. you may have to create new boundaries w/ your family and things may get more out of hand for a while, but it’s worth it. they will have to learn how to respect you and treat you differently – hopefully.
praying for ya <3
jules
Depression is a monster that hides in the closet – once he has seen the light he wants more…. as someone who has suffered from depression I say bravo for being brave enough to write about it – the best way to fight it is to find a voice and rally against it …. remember you are not alone – feel free to rant and rave and draw blood
Ever thought about finding the middle road between bitch and nice? lol
aw, buddy!! *hugs* ( actually they don’t help when you feel like that.. so i take back my hug) ..
How about we go out and do something wild.
that always brings me VERY MUCH down to earth.. haha
No, but seriously. I know how that feels. Hang in there. If you’re on meds for something, consider getting them switched up… It works wonders…..
Hmmn, I know this is far fetched, but whenever I feel this way, I go excersize, or sleep. I try to avoid conflict unless needed bc sometimes biting your tounge can saving you from further injury. I really hope you feel better!
ryc: hey, it’s what i do. stay well. don’t let the happy slip away. everyone likes it! give the people what we want, really. do it.
I am always empty. I am always sad. I know how it feels
“The walls need to go back up”– Just… leave a door open… the gate unlocked.. and the bridge over the moat unburnt , ‘kay? I used to live with walls…… now it’s more of a collection of doors.
Don’t forget how to smile–it’s good for you.
in the end you’ll come out stronger cause of it.
Don’t let ‘em break you darlin’ – use that anger to stay determined and true to yourself.
(((HUGS))) Find something to lose yourself in for a bit. It won’t make it all better, but it helps me to do that. Remember, lots of us are here for you
Those antidepressants are motherfuckers. I just started on mine two weeks ago. Stay strong.
I”m sorry that you’re going through a hard time, my dear. I’ve found that writing it out helps; I hope that it helps you, too. Keep your chin up, ok?
wow
[hug] i wish there was something more i could do.
*cyber hug!**
I guess there are times when we feel like we should be happy and that at some levels can be frustrating when we don’t feel it.
Wow, if I had a way to describe the deppression I was feeling. It’s right there in your blog. I feel you. It took awhile for me to get out of it, but I did. I hope you eventually break those walls. LOVE YOU!! **HUGS**
You know, you sound like me when I loose my perspective. I usually need to walk away from cyberspace for a while and go do stuff for others…..
You fine, you beautiful, go give to someone less better off until you empty and then come back.
Hey…I am sorry you are having a rough time right now. I hope everything gets better for you! Depression can really suck at times…..
Here for you Becca !
The key is knowing when to stop fighting, though. Once you have those defenses, once you become this nearly unstoppable fury…it can be hard to know that the fight is long passed after awhile.
Good for you, though. It sounds like this may be the appropriate reaction…sometimes the only way people stop doing things and being like they shouldn’t around you, is to scream and growl and let yourself feel about it.
I can really relate, though, and reading all your comments here, I gotta say — you sound like you can handle this decision of yours. Like I said; good for you! Good luck and I hope that, when this settles, you’ve something wonderful.
halo..cm….i konw your feeling..fighting
You’re an inspiration. Thanks for sharing!
We all have cycles and the trick is to notice when we are in a down cycle and not make any big decisions at that time and realize it’ll all come around. Hang in there, it always does.
Meds need constant adjustment. You probably know better than me, but perhaps an adjustment is in order? Just brainstorming.
Main thought … avoid the extremes. Perhaps before too tough and now too easy. Passive aggressive. Anger comes from being a doormat. That’s unnatural and unsustainable, at least not while feeling satisfied. etc.
Don’t get mad, get expressive, get real. You certainly have the ability. Use it. And you’re not a bitch (but you know that). You’re right … Don’t let people walk over you, don’t let your family make you feel bad … tell them what you really think, in a diplomatic, reasonable way. Yes, feel the pain love by being intimate. You can’t escape the feel of hate, but recognize it for what it is. People will ALWAYS disappoint. That’s one thing you can count on. Let it roll off your back and express yourself.
By the way, a reliable recent study shows that expressing your anger is NOT productive, contrary to conventional wisdom. Yes, it feels good momentarily, but expression of anger just breeds more of your own anger. Instead, communicate without undue emotion in anger provoking situations.
Perhaps “the new me that was ‘so happy and nice’ is slipping away” because the novelty of that approach has worn off, but this can slide nicely into the new you that is still happy and nice, just no SO happy and nice that it’s unrealistic and unsustainable. Yes, you need to protect yourself by being happy and nice yet expressive. You’re right that you can’t protect yourself by simply absorbing all of the horribleness that those around you have to dish out. It’s your sturdy and strong qualities, THE REAL YOU, NOT THE WALLS, that need to go back up. No one can break the real you!
DISCLAIMER: Just me rambling. Hope it helps. Good luck.
I know just how you feel. I’ve been through moments like that myself.
Just hang in there and don’t let anything or anyone get you down.
We’re all here for you.
looking pass the mask, i see a wonderful person who’s not afraid of anything.You can do anything you set your mind to.
@rrozz - thank you for that
Hi ^_^ Thanks for the invite!
XRinoaX
You might be taking the wrong depression meds or taking the wrong dose
i have depression to, and if i dont take the right dose, everything seems to be worse than it is and i snip at every little thing