March 13, 2009
-
Dear Snippie (My Husband Won’t Go Down On Me)
QUESTION:
Female, age 25
Dear Snippie:I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now but this is the first question I’ve submitted. Here’s the issue- my husband has a hard time giving me oral. Communication isn’t really our problem here, because we’ve talked about it and he knows how much I would like him to at least attempt it. His reply is that he just isn’t comfortable with it yet and he will have to come to it “in his own time”, which I respect and am ok with. I know my husband very much loves me and wants me to be happy, and it has only minimally affected our otherwise healthy and thriving sex life (the only difference being that I don’t give him quite as much oral as I used to, not out of spite but because if I’m not in the right frame of mind about it it’s really easy for me to get resentful and I don’t believe lingering resentment is good for a healthy relationship). So my question is what can I do to make this easier for him? Please understand I’m not looking for tips on how to manipulate him into it or anything like that; I just want to know what I can do to remove any potential roadblocks and make it a more inviting prospect. I am particularly hoping your male readers can clue me in with a man’s perspective on the issue (though I am equally ready for female input as well). I always respect your opinions about these types of situations and I await any practical advice you may have!!
Thanks
ANSWER:
Some people just don’t like oral. Getting it or giving it. It’s not for everyone. So maybe just let him know it’s not a big deal. Sometimes when your not thinking about it and you get wrapped up in the moment things just happen. So if he feels no pressure from you about it then maybe in the future he’ll finally be able to let go of his fears and just go with the flow. But pushing the issue will only make him not like it that much more.***********************************************Send your relationship and sex questions to:
dearsnippie@gmail.com
Find out what everyone thinks without them knowing its you! Please DO NOT send me questions that you have blogged about or have posted on an ISH site!
Include Ages, M/F, with as many details as you can for all people involved.
What do you think?
Comments (58)
I have nothing to add to Snip’s advice besides the pubic hair situation.
No guy likes hair in his teeth; keep that in mind.
My general rule is if you go down on me then I shall return the favor…
…every once in a while. j/k.
@AilinCorazon - Girls dont’ like it either.
To the lady: I agree with Snippie.
I personally wouldn’t give it though, if I wasn’t getting it too. Fair’s fair.
@LucyWrites - Amen. Did you see the terrible video on my blog? The Latino thing one
@AilinCorazon - LOL. I never got a chance to. I’ll check it out tonight and see if I join in your outrage.
@LucyWrites - No one likes Jungles in the Nether Regions. CAN I GET AN AMEN?
@vanedave - I think that’s the rule most men follow.
hahahhah…
Yup. Some people just think it’s disgusting..=)
Definitely wax (or at least shave/trim) down there so it’s a little less scary. If it’s the taste/smell then maybe try doing it in or just out of the shower? He may not want to tell you it’s a little stinky, but I don’t think I’d want to go down there unless she’s showered recently…
Snippie ftw.
If he did have a reason, are you sure he’d tell you? One of the main reasons women don’t get oral is because they smell bad, and not just bad, discustingly bad. I have no idea if this is the case, but it’s way up there on my list. Women don’t seem to realize just how bad it can get because you can’t get your nose down there. You need to have a very frank discussion about it.
A lot of guys have a problem with going down. I have a lot of guy friends and more often than not I’ll hear about how it is mainly the smell that stops them from muff diving. Not that there’s a strong odor but just the overwhelming scent naturally is overpowering. I mean, let’s face it, his entire face is down there and unless men have been secretly practicing how to breathe out of their ears, they are going to have problems. Some men are just more olfactorially sensitive than others. Do the best you can but in the end, you may have to come up with something else to fill that void.
No pun intended.
Okay, maybe it was slightly intended.
Generally when a person doesn’t care for a particular sex act, there is a specific reason or set of reason that goes way beyond uncomfortable. Saying he’s “uncomfortable” is a polite way of telling you he doesn’t want to do it without having to give detail as to why. If you would like to move past this as couple, you will need to know what it is about oral sex that makes him uncomfortable.
Is it your taste, smell, or grooming? Did he have a bad experience with it in the past? Did someone tell him vaginal fluids are too acidic to the tongue? Did a another woman emasculate him for eating her out? Does he feel too submissive and/or powerless when he’s performing the act? Did some other woman pee on him in the act? What’s the driving force of the discomfort?
I worry that you bring up resentment, after you say that it affects your sex life just minimally. Its good that you are trying to cope with the feeling, but resentment is the pooping elephant in the room. No matter how you cover it, its still there, pooping in the space of your marriage. I hope that you’ve communicated the feeling to your husband. It’s better to acknowledge the elephant, put some newspaper down for it than the have it poop all over your floor.
Part of dealing with this issue is asking yourself if your husband is unable to get past whatever makes him uncomfortable, can you spend the rest of your life without oral sex and without fellatio being reciprocated? Will the pooping elephant be shipped backed to wherever it came from or will it grow old and fat in your marriage?
Prepare yourself for the worst outcome and work towards the best…
Maybe part of the solution may be just visiting a sex toy shop and picking up tongue…? This doesn’t neccessarily need be a roadblock but a fun problem to work out as a couple.
I have never been that crazy about it myself, but was the only way for her to have a complete orgasm.Her reaction always kept me coming back, there was no faking it, you KNEW it was real. I agree with Snippie, if you press a man with ANYTHING, and it seems forced, it is NOT going to work in the long run. I can assure you women don’t want to feel forced into it. I don’t care for it being done to me, I prefer being the pleaser myself!
Shave/wax it up. If that isn’t enough to make it appealing, like Snipps said, without pressure he may do it on his own time.
@AilinCorazon - LOL. AMEN. HEHE Seriously though, it does depend on the man. From my understanding some men are more… accomodating than others.
My feeling (which I will enforce when I get married) is that if he wants it clean, I’ll make it clean but I expect the same back. Give and take is what is all about.
I have the same problem, only vice versa.
I’m not ready for blow jobs >.<”
wax, my friend…and shower…..
spray a lil yumminess down there too..
such as Victoria Secret’s Pure Seduction body spray…or Love Spell is pretty sweet.
working your abdominal muscles helps too.. I don’t know why..
a flat tummy just draws them down i guess. tanning can be pretty attractive…
The key is giving him a reason to want to explore you…
let it happen.. AND if he doesn’t, I wouldn’t give him oral…. that’s kinda… lame…
men get into little boy mode if you constantly give and they don’t return the favor.
it’s not healthy for either of you…. (cause lets face it..giving for women isn’t all that awesome when it comes down to it.. haha)
@LucyWrites - Amen
I think I would agree – when you make certain insecurities a big issue, it is less likely they will ever get over it. However, if you just go with the flow, sometimes these things work themselves out and people are more open to change/try new things. This can be applied to other areas besides the bedroom too!
I don’t do it for my man. I don’t ask him to do it for me. Every once in a while he will get the urge to do it, but I feel generally uncomfortable with it and usually don’t allow him.
I guess we’re just a couple that doesn’t really practice oral sex. And I think we’re pretty accepting of that fact.
All good advice here. I have nothing more to add.
Maybe he just doesn’t know how? I’d be glad to demonstrate for him!
In addition to the trimming tip, there are certain things to do to improve the smell (if that is, indeed, an issue):
The way your body processes the foods you eat becomes much more apparent in secretions in that area. Junk food and spicy foods tend to be processed in a way that reflects poorly in vaginal odor. Eating fresh fruits somewhere around three hours or so before should help, as should showering, obviously.
If it isn’t either of those things, it’s probably something personal for him. Maybe he had a bad experience in the past. (For example, going down on a girl who gets so into it that she squeezes the man’s head between her legs… so that he doesn’t hear her father coming home early. That could make performing cunnilingus extremely nerve wracking.) Maybe he’s scared to death he won’t be able to do it right. Us guys are given these images that properly going down on a woman is the oral equivilant of a Cirque du Soliel act.
Maybe he’s afraid that he’s not good enough. Or that he honestly sucks at giving oral… or the idea grosses him out, not that YOU gross him out, but the act does.
Maybe have the guy go down on you while you are wearing rubber panties. Maybe once he sees how much you enjoy it, you can let him try it bareback, so to speak.
The only thing I would add is to take it slow. Sometimes a comfort level can be obtained (assuming he wasn’t traumatized as @care@momaroo - suggested) by slowly introducing the possibility. Ask him to kiss your tummy during foreplay.On the next occasion, ask him to lick the insides of your thighs… and so on, and so forth… This might help him to see it as a natural extension of your lovemaking.
It also helps to give him some feed back on what you like as he’s doing it. sometimes there are a lot of sounds being made but little in the way of “oh yeah right there” or “dont stop”. Or “stop”. All I usually here is augh*^*&^**%*khkhohmygod, or something along those lines. I’m a perfectionist and if I can do it better, I want to.
My suggestions are:
1) Shave it
2) Wash it very thoroughly and maybe spray something that smells good in that general area.
3) DON’T watch him do it. Personally, that’s one of my rules when I go down on my hubby. He’s not allowed to watch me do it. I either put the blankets over my head or he diverts his eyes. He can take a quick glance or two, but no watching the whole time. I’m shy about it I guess. He could be self conscious of his “abilities” and maybe he’s worried that he’s no good at it.
4) STOP giving him head completely. It’s not fair for him to get it and not return the favor.
I’m in the same boat as your husband.
I would really LIKE to get into this, but I have certain… apprehensions about. (Plus dating girls who have no interest in it doesn’t help.)
However, I did go out with a girl who was IMMACULATELY clean and totally shaven down there. Seemed MUCH easier to get into it. Quite enjoyable too.
Hardcore hygene and smooth skin may be a way to go.
Or… you could sit on his face until he gets past his stage fright. (that helped me once)
Wow, really good advise was given here; I don’t really have anything more to add. I just want to point out one comment that I really disagreed with. @Kontzicles suggested that you lose weight and/or tan. I don’t suggest changing any more of your body than that area itself: scent, taste and grooming. If he’s married to you, chances are he is not dissatisfied with your body or disinterested in exploring your body; he’s probably just apprehensive about that very act itself (as many people before me suggested). I know that I have been apprehensive about performing oral and for that reason have not done so yet, BUT that doesn’t mean I didn’t find past partners attractive or was disinterested in exploring their body. I explored their body in pretty much every other way. I was just not so keen on that one act. (Though I think I may be, in the future, due to personal growth and better education…)
@GodlessLiberal - Ever thought about starting another blog for giving sex advice? Just curious.
If it is smell/taste/etc that everyone said, another potential option could be a dental dam (w/ the side touching your skin lubricated for you). Then he’s up against rubber instead. I doubt it’d be as exciting, but it’s better than nothing! … But you’d have to get him down there first.
Good luck. I hope he comes around.
@Axis_of_Doom - Nah, Snippie’s all over this. Plus Xanga eats up far too much time for me already.
Have him watch one of the Where the Boys Aren’t series. That should cure him right quick.
I agree w/ Snippie on this one…
D
@AilinCorazon - I want a girls hair….Ur comment doesnt speak for the rest of the world of dudes..
well if all else faiels. when he is asleep, pull ur underwear off and just sit on his face
I don’t know myself, I have the same problem…I am currently just letting it go. I pressed her on it a couple times and it felt like I was begging and it turned her off more.
So I try to limit the amount I do for her…in a way this question is about reciprication not neccessarily going down on you. It is a tough question that I haven’t seen anybody truly answer how to deal with above…except for maybe this one: @care@momaroo -
Besides shaving and showering, try foreplay using whipped cream, chocolate or other favorite flavors that he can lick off of you. That would help him start associating it with pleasure.
Honestly, I think that’s pretty dick-like of him, and weird as well. I love when my boyfriend gives me oral- and he loves it almost more than I do. I think if you’re going down on him, he should be willing to return the favor, even if it’s just once.
Like other people have already said, perhaps he’s be more willing when you’re fresh out of the shower.
Although I know some guys who prefer doing it a while later because fresh out of the shower there is NO taste or smell at all & some guys LIKE a bit of that.
It’s a part of a husband getting to know his wife and knowing what she wants. It’s his duty to try to satisfy her. The idea might not be appealing at first, but he’ll find it’s worth it if that’s what makes her happy.
C0mm3nt;’]
Wow, I did’nt expect to ever see this subject in Xanga, lmaooooo
I’ll give it to you straight, If your man is into you giving him B.J.’s then stop giving it to him.
Fair is Fair, Being an X-Biker and All, “If you don’t go down on Your woman, Vise versa, Somebody else will”.
Period, Any questions?
@dude_maxton - Stop giving her ideas, lmfao
She may ride his face too hard and suffocate him , lol
@Annalovesjustin -
Damn that’s too shy for trusting your lover and all, but hey they’re your emotions.
When I was single my (women) friends used to call me over so I could shave it for them, What can I say, I’m good with my hands,
,
.
@PaytonFamily -
Hun, I never turned down women when it came to sexual festivities, whether they were wet from the shower or from being hot and bothered, to even joining them, while we showered and played in the shower. I satisfied them , in every which way possible. Never had any complaints during or afterwards.
The only complaints I recieve today are , Why’d you have to get married for, lol.
@Metal37 - at least she is getting what she wants
have him fast for a week after that he’ll eat anything
somehow using the advice “go with the flow” while speaking of oral sex, rubbed me the wrong way
. i was surprised at a playboy poll that said only 17% of women liked giving oral sex. i assumed it was a much higher number (for both genders). i wish i could remember the issue i read that in…oh well.
I agree that you should think about the possibility that there is something he’s not telling you. It can be very hard to tell a woman that she’s unattractive in any way. What to do about it? Sprays wouldn’t do it for me, and I don’t need shaved, but clean, clean, clean is the key. Giving oral to a woman can be really great (truly the best thing), but little bits of toilet paper (for example) can be a real turnoff.
Not MY particular problem … I LOVE it … but when I hear people say that … it always reminds me of this funny picture …
I posted it to my site here …
http://www.xanga.com/Sample_Name/photos/a06d2236703784/
to make ur hubby cum down on u, rub fresh honey juice on his body..lick it down to his penis, then rub sum on urs, n tell him to lick u..pour more on ur clits…tell him to lick down…he will like it…i tell you.
If you groomed down there, cleaned your privates well so it doesn’t smell, you talk about it, he won’t give you any answers why he dislike oral sex on you, and he STILL will not give you oral, then DO NOT give him oral. That is not fair for you. He can get pleasure from oral sex but you can’t? That’s downright selfish! BOOOO!
honestly, i think my boyfriend might enjoy going down on me more than i enjoy receiving it. it’s a HUGE turn-on for him.
that’s just us, though. it’s definitely a different situation for you and your hubby. i say just go with the flow, and if it happens, it happens. i’d limit the head-giving, though, just to make things a little more fair.
Well, that used to be my problem too, patially because of a bad experience, partially because of the hair, and the other part the smell. But I really wanted to make my wife happy. So I knew the easiest way to get started would be 69., since I’d be recieving the head I like so much, going down would be easier. Note Also that there are many more flattering and comfortable positions of 69 than the traditional. So, we would 69 for a while before making love, and that made her damn hot! After a few times, She started dangling a carrot.. You know… I’ll finish with you a BJ if you go down on me after. After a while 69 started to be very fun because I was getting BJs, and what guy doesn’t like to get pleasured to completion orally? The first few times were dreadful because I wasn’t any damn good at, it took forever and of course the neck pain. Plus, it ain’t easy for a guy with ADHD to sit down there for 20 mins… At least not initially. After a while I started to get really good at it and something started to happen. I started to enjoy doing it because it made me feel very powerful and In control to be able to bring my wife so much pleasure. Every guy knows that women want that… And I’ll tell ya.. I know 100% that my wife wouldn’t find herself in the arms of another man due to sexual problems. So.. Strategy, patience, a little behvior modification through 69 and a few good BJs are your answer. Good luck!
Mine had a problem with pubes. He asked me to shave and I said “no problem, but you have to also.” Well, you could imagine the fire works come from a MAN !! ” I ain’t no faggot !!! I will not shave, My C—K isn’t covered in hair.”
Well after sometime, a few months actually. I offered what most if not all men want…” I’ll even swallow ” Yeah I know, but truth be told, I like giving head and quite frankly our sex life was getting way to predictable.
I should tell you though that since our marriage and before…like dating. I just assumed he didn’t like it. Many times I would nudge him down there and it was…well, just didn’t happen. It wasn’t until my girl friend relayed some things to me of what my husband was telling her husband did things get out in the open. Oh yeah…, I got very pissed!!! that he was talking about our sex life. Anyways, that’s another matter.
YES hair is a big issue. I do the patch and when I feel naughty, It’s all gone!!
Tell you what. he spends more time down there than any other. And one more thing. If he goes hairless, show him your appreciation. You’ll be supprised how men react. He’ll even kiss me now when I’m done. I don’t allways swallow all of it hmmmm…. I don’t even hint. I’m sure he know’s. But hey, It’s a turn on for me…not bad for marrying mr. macho… I’ve been wondering if he’ll like going down on me after he’s done. HOW would you bring up THAT!!!