Question: Female, 18 years
Tonight, I did something. Something I’ve never done before, never thought I could do. It started off innocently enough. It was hot and I was lying on my bed, basking in the rare few hours of sun. My boyfriend of nearly two years had just fixed his webcam (we’re LDR, sadface) so the both of us were on, staring, talking, me singing and him playing guitar. Four hours and way too many clothes/word games later, it’s dark and by the light of my laptop’s glowing screen, I’m in my bra and underwear. Well…my ankle was in my underwear. My “under” was not.
Long story short, he was…um…frustrated (a few scratches, some sore fingers and a numb lip frustrated). What’s more frustrating was the fact that I couldn’t do it. Sure, I touched, I poked, I inserted. Pushed all my buttons over and over. I tried using help of all kinds. After half an hour or so, I gave up and rolled over, defeated. I just couldn’t do it.
It’s not that I was nervous. I didn’t even show him anything, I kept my bra on and my webcam stationed on my stomach. For someone of my history (hang on about that), this thing about not being nervous is very surprising. In fact, this whole night was a huge deal for us; for me.
You see, about thirteen years ago I was raped, molested, and otherwise taken advantage of. I grew up in a household that redefined the term “abuse.” I’ve been abused in every legal sense of the word, and if you havn’t already guessed… I have serious control issues. Not that I try to control other people, but I am completely terrified of losing control of my body (I don’t smoke I don’t drink and at 18 years of age I’ve never once been high). The first time I ever touched myself, I cried afterwords for nearly three hours. I could taste the horrible memory in my mouth, feel what I shouldn’t remember, and hear his voice… I think I threw up. I still remember being that little girl, those memories are probably the most vivid I have.
But fast forward to tonight. There I am, being the most intimate with a person I’ve ever been (and more turned on by the experience than I’ve ever been, by the way)… and I can’t do it. It felt nice, and I know I was on that road, but I only got so far before it just died. Ladies, you know that point – the feeling changes and you’re just so close you know it’s going to happen… and then it happens. Except, when he was watching, it didn’t. I tried, I pretended like he wasn’t there, even tried watching him. I would just get so close and then hit a dead end, and suddenly it was gone.
I so badly wanted for it to happen… to show him… and now I feel like I’ve failed him somehow. He’s coming to visit this summer and more than likely we’ll be in a closer encounter than tonight. What do I do then, when I can’t and he feels like he’s not good enough?
What do I do? Anyone out there a psych major or a shrink? Anyone seen or been in this experience before?
Answer:
I think you just need to relax some. You can’t orgasm when you are thinking of a million different things. You need to relax your mind and just think about what you are feeling. Turn off the lights, light some candles, maybe some soft music and seduce yourself. Maybe he can talk to you while you are pleasing yourself. Some encouraging words. Nothing dirty, just nice, loving words. If you’re relaxed and feel loved it will happen. It takes time. It might take an hour. So don’t be rough on yourself. Be gentle, soft and love yourself!
If you still have troubles maybe you need to talk to someone about your past and heal from it.
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