February 27, 2009

• A Dear Snippie Update

  Here’s the original post CLICK HERE

  Snippy,

  You asked me for an update to my dilemma with my husband, whom I caught doing inappropriate things both on the net and with pictures he had secretly taken of me. Well…. Here is an update so far. However,  I wanted to clarify a few things with the readers. Porn, together we agreed was perfectly fine. It got out of hand with him… and since I could no longer really have sex (pregnant and 4 herniated disks in my back) I asked him to sort of cut back on it cause it was making me very uneasy with the massive amounts of it he looked at daily. It wasn’t like the other forms of pleasure were not still taking place either… just less often. Up until four months into my pregnancy we had threesomes, both with female and male counterparts. We agreed to only do that while together and it was obvious after I gained x amount of lbs and for the health of me and the baby, it was no longer a good idea to invite those friends into the relationship (bedroom) We still remain great friends with these people though….. Also,  NOT to mention, I did work TWO full time 8hr+ jobs during my entire pregnancy up until the 9^th month to pay for the medical expenses, getting ready for the child, and paying off consumer debt so we could manage the bills that bringing a new life into this world entails. My husband… if anything, cut back his hours.  I did not ask my husband to give up porn entirely but HE said he would. That was a promise he made to me after a discussion we had. Anyway, for those who were unclear about our view on porn etc… hope that clears the air cause I think some people really didn’t key in on what I was trying to say.

  Anyway,

  I was pretty dead set on divorce the first week or so. I got a lawyer lined up, got papers and a realtor, and figured out arrangements to move back home in another state. My husband made threats to take the child away, threats to take all the money etc…. I didn’t budge. Then he gave in….

  As of right now, we are still living in the same house…. However he sleeps in the guest room. There is absolutely no physical contact anymore (no kissing either) and he no longer is allowed in the bathroom or bedroom when I am changing and/or showering with or without the baby. I just put back on my wedding rings and I still don’t say I love you back when he tells me he loves me.  I believe that if I start going back to a normal routine… we will just “forget” the past/ get comfortable and the changes that need to be made won’t be…. So that’s why I am keeping it uncomfortable at the moment. I people understand what I mean about the comfortable thing… its not me being immature. I love my husband but if I let him back in the bedroom etc…. our problems will get swept under the rug…. Again.

  I decided against the lie detector test as I am not sure what it would prove (it is more than just testing someone’s hr response contrary to popular belief)  and the money should be going to my kid’s birthday, not that. I just can’t take that away from my child, its not fair.

  We are making a continuous effort not to fight in front of our son. We don’t fight much anyway because we don’t talk much.

  He got counseling sessions lined up nearly three days after I caught him and has been to two sessions so far. He deleted all those secret email accounts and says he is getting rid of his myspace, facebook, etc. which I will believe it when I see it. He had be put parental controls on the computer that is password protected.

  I changed my passwords to ALL my internet accounts and have been making small transfers of money into my personal account should he decide to be stupid and try to cut my access off to my hard earned money.
  

  As of yesterday, I decided I would try counseling before finalizing a divorce. I don’t want to “work” on a marriage for ten years but at the same time I don’t want to just up and leave without a fight. We have not got marriage counseling dates set yet but will soon. I am only giving it about 3 months and if nothing changes drastically, and he doesn’t come clean about everything, we are done.

  In my mind he cannot blame a lack of sex life on Craig’slist Personal ads, secret myspace account, etc. There were plenty of ametur pictures on there that he didn’t need to talk to them… His direct response to me questioning the need to talk to girls “It was more arousing to know they were taking the pictures for me… and not just some bots, it was like the excitement of it all.”  Just thinking about it now makes me wanna chop off his balls all over again and feed it to his audience.

  I am not prude…. I taught him TONS of things he couldn’t even dream up in the sack, and I am his first in many things… so variety is NOT the issue, at least variety with being in a monogamous relationship with occasional consented extras. I don’t know what it is, but he walked a fine line with what he has done and he isn’t getting by with just saying sorry this time. There were long discussions before all this happened and VERY clear boundaries set. There was no gaps or misleading loose terms that could be left up to interpretation. He knows it, I know it… and that is why he is acting the way he is… He stated there are problems in our marriage that led him to what he did, and that is the lamest excuse I have ever heard.

  Where I stand now… I am giving marriage counseling a try but if I find my heart not being forgiving, I am going through with the divorce. Honestly, I am not going to go easy on him during the sessions and I honestly don’t think my opinion is going to change much cause in some of these instances this would not be his second or third chance to improve his behavior.

  I know that sounded so confrontational… I am still just so unnerved by it all…. I am over the shock and initial poor me phase.

  Thanks for all the advice snippy and readers, some people actually opened my eyes, others made me roll them. Ha.

  • 9:31 am
  • 12 Comments