February 23, 2009
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Dear Snippie (Web Cam FAIL)
Question: Female, 18 years
Tonight, I did something. Something I’ve never done before, never thought I could do. It started off innocently enough. It was hot and I was lying on my bed, basking in the rare few hours of sun. My boyfriend of nearly two years had just fixed his webcam (we’re LDR, sadface) so the both of us were on, staring, talking, me singing and him playing guitar. Four hours and way too many clothes/word games later, it’s dark and by the light of my laptop’s glowing screen, I’m in my bra and underwear. Well…my ankle was in my underwear. My “under” was not.
Long story short, he was…um…frustrated (a few scratches, some sore fingers and a numb lip frustrated). What’s more frustrating was the fact that I couldn’t do it. Sure, I touched, I poked, I inserted. Pushed all my buttons over and over. I tried using help of all kinds. After half an hour or so, I gave up and rolled over, defeated. I just couldn’t do it.
It’s not that I was nervous. I didn’t even show him anything, I kept my bra on and my webcam stationed on my stomach. For someone of my history (hang on about that), this thing about not being nervous is very surprising. In fact, this whole night was a huge deal for us; for me.
You see, about thirteen years ago I was raped, molested, and otherwise taken advantage of. I grew up in a household that redefined the term “abuse.” I’ve been abused in every legal sense of the word, and if you havn’t already guessed… I have serious control issues. Not that I try to control other people, but I am completely terrified of losing control of my body (I don’t smoke I don’t drink and at 18 years of age I’ve never once been high). The first time I ever touched myself, I cried afterwords for nearly three hours. I could taste the horrible memory in my mouth, feel what I shouldn’t remember, and hear his voice… I think I threw up. I still remember being that little girl, those memories are probably the most vivid I have.
But fast forward to tonight. There I am, being the most intimate with a person I’ve ever been (and more turned on by the experience than I’ve ever been, by the way)… and I can’t do it. It felt nice, and I know I was on that road, but I only got so far before it just died. Ladies, you know that point – the feeling changes and you’re just so close you know it’s going to happen… and then it happens. Except, when he was watching, it didn’t. I tried, I pretended like he wasn’t there, even tried watching him. I would just get so close and then hit a dead end, and suddenly it was gone.
I so badly wanted for it to happen… to show him… and now I feel like I’ve failed him somehow. He’s coming to visit this summer and more than likely we’ll be in a closer encounter than tonight. What do I do then, when I can’t and he feels like he’s not good enough?
What do I do? Anyone out there a psych major or a shrink? Anyone seen or been in this experience before?
Answer:
I think you just need to relax some. You can’t orgasm when you are thinking of a million different things. You need to relax your mind and just think about what you are feeling. Turn off the lights, light some candles, maybe some soft music and seduce yourself. Maybe he can talk to you while you are pleasing yourself. Some encouraging words. Nothing dirty, just nice, loving words. If you’re relaxed and feel loved it will happen. It takes time. It might take an hour. So don’t be rough on yourself. Be gentle, soft and love yourself!
If you still have troubles maybe you need to talk to someone about your past and heal from it.***********************************************Send your questions to:
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Comments (18)
Nerves seem to be a basic side-effect of sex and the like. While most cases tend to have the hilarious effect as Jim did in American Pie, sometimes this is the effect. With further acquainting and increased comfort, familiarity will breed greater rewards.
Maybe try doing it over the phone first. Maybe subconsciously you were self-concious about him watching. I’ve found that to be an easier way to transition to other things for the first time when dealing with an LDR.
To the author – it is very, very common for abuse victims to have difficulty enjoying intimate situations because of their past abuse. You may have convinced your conscious mind that you aren’t nervous anymore, but it is entirely possible that your subconscious is still thinking about and remembering the abuse, and is causing you to stop before the climax. The mind is a powerful thing, and it learns to block out that which hurts us. Unfortunately, sometimes things that are good & desirable get associated in our mind with pain that needs to be blocked out. Are you talking to anyone, getting any help in working through the issues from your abuse? If not – please consider doing so. You don’t have to go through this alone, and there is better help available than anonymous advice columns on Xanga. (((( hugs ))))
I think the fact you have been abused sexually is what’s to blame here.
It seems you might be afraid of physical intimacy or intimacy in general because of the abuse.
I’ve seen a correlation between people who have been abused and their willingness to be in a LDR. I think this is due to the fact you can get all the love that comes from a “typical” relationship without the requirement to get down and dirty…
Not saying this is your case but it came to mind as I was reading it.
aww girl, i know what your going through, i was also abused in every sense of the word, and by my dad nonetheless, i dont see the memories cuz i blocked it but i have numerous sensory flashbacks and every time i try to orgasm (which is never with another person, i have not found that to even be possible ) it is connected with my dad and he wont get out of my head, I cant orgasm in front of people either, its hard enough doing that on my own…
if u ever need someone to empathize with you and understand, please message me =]im gettin therapy, i learn some very life changing things sometimes and i would loove to share them if they could help even in the littlest way =]I am also a control freak, but not of other people either, never been high, almost 18, i thought i would never get drunk but i found my mind to be able to COMPLETELY control everything no matter how drunk i am so thats y im ok with that, but otherwise I use plans like food. I HAVE to have a plan for everything cuz im deathly afraid of the unknown and losing control of it…
ive done that before not so much fun
i tried to lean back in my chair a bit so he could get a better look
and then crash
down i went
smacked my head off the chair and the floor
@JigglyGumdrops - omg lol! thank you for that
sure atleast someone can laugh at it
i can laugh now
then i was upset i didnt talk to him for a week
did i mention he dumped me soon after
Speaking as a guy who has been on your BF’s side of the experience, I can tell you that it’s not a big deal. I don’t know how much experience he has, but in the course of my adult life I’ve found that there are times when people just can’t get off no matter how turned on they feel. There are physiological reasons for this sometimes (I won’t get started on that, I’m a science nerd and it could go on for pages), but more often they are subconscious psychological reasons. Probably half the time my girlfriend has this problem we talk the next day and there is something wrong in her life… work/school issues, family dysfunction, I didn’t do the dishes and that bothered her for a day, etc. Even if she wasn’t thinking about that during sex (and I really really hope she doesn’t think about the dishes or her family during sex), it affects her.
I would suggest taking it slow and easing back into the situation. Otherwise you may worry about the situation and make it worse. I’m assuming your BF knows your past, and if he’s a decent guy he’ll understand intamacy issues. Best of luck, and I hope everything works out well for you.
(BTW… I’m a psych minor. But I play therapist to all my friends. I hope that adds some legitimacy to my advice.)
@GodlessLiberal - ooooo will you come back more often??? I like your responses
@SnippiesBlog - I plan to. I love this blog and the concept here. I also think your responses are quite thoughtful and helpful.
My comment about this is somewhere in the datingish post of this, lol…
@SerenaDante - she posted this on datingish too?
@GodlessLiberal - thank you! thats so nice to hear
@SnippiesBlog - Guess so!
@SerenaDante - GREAT!!!!!!!!!!! ugh
@SnippiesBlog - Yes, I was reading this and it sounded very familiar…its word for word posted on Datingish. …Good advice though!!
Sorry, I didn’t think Datingish would take the post… it was sort of a shot in the dark and hope for the best.