January 31, 2009
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Dear Snippie #40 (I can’t handle this long distance relationship)
Question:
Dear, SnippieI just recently moved to Ohio from Alabama. But me and my boyfriend are still dating long distance. I want things to work and think they are working, but I am scared that he is cheating on me because I am not there for the physical things. I don’t know what to do. If I ask him if he is cheating he’s not going to tell me if he is. I started a new school and just I’m not sure about anything anymore. Please help.
Answer:
You just have to trust him. There’s nothing you can to do in this situation. If you don’t feel like you can handle this long distance relationship then maybe you should break it off. Otherwise, you’re just going to have to get use to being apart and learn how to cope. My boyfriend travels for work so I know how you feel, but I trust him. He’s never given me a reason not to. So you have to listen to your heart and your own intuition.
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, Snippie
Comments (35)
Trust and honest are keys to any relationship whether it’s long distance or close, just gotta trust him. Do what you feel is best, hang in there ^_^
Long distance relationships are hard. I moved and my ex boyfriend didn’t. We ended up dating for awhile but he cheated on me so that was that. I never really fully trusted him though so I guess I kind of had it coming. Anyways what Snippie said was right. If you trust him then its fine if not I say end it it will just be easier. The whole long distance romance thing doesn’t last long unless you really care about the person.
I think your advice is best here. The key element in a relationship is trust. If you don’t trust your partner, and are allowing thoughts that he is cheating to cloud your thoughts, perhaps the best thing to do is at least take a break while you are away.
I wouldnt flat out ask him if he is cheating. But I would express your worries and how the long distance relationship is affecting you. You should be able to talk about things – even the things that are had. What else do you have in a long distance relationship?
I agree with Snippie – you just need to trust him!
You just have to trust him. Has he given you any reason to think that he might be cheating? Some friends of mine are doing the long distance thing, and it sucks, but they work it out. But they both say the same thing, you just have to trust the other person. I would also look at yourself. Are you looking for a way out? If you are then maybe you should reevaluate what you are doing in the relationship.
yes. the long distance relation ships are hard cuz of the physical things. U are just going to have to trust him cuz he is mostlikly thinking the same thng about u. U moved., U are seperatred by distance. It is going to have to be a trust issu so to make u feel better…heres a Mini
you have to communicate, communicate, and communicate… that’s the best way to keep a LDR going… if it doesn’t work, go the seperate ways…
D
I’ve been in a long distance relationship for about two and a half years, and we’re still going strong.
Being open and honest is the best policy, and being concerned is a natural thing. But you need to trust him to do the right thing. You can’t dictate that for him.
And you will always know what’s best for you as well.
I think the problem here is that your advice was right on point here Snipps. If she can’t trust him its not gonna work. Point blank. Whether the problem is that he is untrustworthy or that she has trust issues, the shit is not going to work unless they address that.
Also it is slow as shit today. I posted the Xanga Bailout today and hardly a peep. I am gonna stop writing epic posts. People don’t read more than a paragraph or two it seems.
The blog I just posted is what became of my long-distance relationship.
I don’t know if that helps, but there it is.
Warning: don’t read if you don’t want to know WAY too much of my personal life.
I have had several long distance relationships. From my experience they never work out. I think the distance for most people is too much to handle. Regardless if most people want to admit or accept it or not, a relationship is at least half way based on being physical and without the physical part you are lacking and are more apt to go look for that part of a relationship somewhere else. That being said I think this person needs to put a little more trust in her partner and be patient until they can be together again. Also thinks she needs to discuss her concerns with her bf, communication is key in any relationship. Maybe they can come to some sort of decision on where they should go next in their relationship.
@LittleWhiteBlog - They work only if there is an “end” that both parties are working towards…people that don’t need immediate gratification know that sex is better if you wait…they aren’t easy by any means…
A lot of times a woman’s intuition is right, you are doing yourself (the author of this piece) a good service in stepping away from the problem to re-examine it. Starting at a new school can be stressful and it can cause one to doubt many things…or…he is going out with ladies every night or isn’t forth right with his activities…I would need to know more (like everyone else who commented) before I could say that you “need to have more trust”.
I would say (like everyone else) that without trust in any relationship, the ship is going to sink.
The problem you will run into in trying to prove he is cheating on you, either in your mind or by your actions is that you will never get any true conclusions and if you do, it may be a while and quite painful. I would be upfront with the underlying “facts” or emotions that are leading you to this point of anxiety. What is he saying or doing to make you feel this way? Calmly ask him about it when he is attentive and willing. If he shuts down to this request numerous times, then you have your answer or you have to find a better way of asking.
I agree with the above. If you don’t trust him, why are you dating him? If you act suspicious and crazy you will ruin your relationship. So either trust him and commit to the long distance thing or break it off now.
I guess I should clarify that when I said a relationship is half physical, I meant the actual physical presence in being together. Not sexual physical.
If you can’t trust him (or learn to), you might as well break up with him and save everyone a lot of time… and honestly, thats true regardless of distance. Even if your mistrust has nothing to do with him… it’ll drive a wedge there that’ll keep you from staying together forever (or course, if you’re just in it for fun, than that’s a different kind of relationship… and there really isn’t much to trust or worry about anyways :p )
@vanedave - I read that…. work’s gonna suck the life outta me these next two days, tho.
I agree with Snippie here. Trust and honesty are the only thing that is going to help you. If you get carried away with your insecurities, it will end up ruining the relationship.
She does need to trust him, but she should definitely not keep her feelings to herself either. She should talk to him about this and ask him if he has anything to say as well.
I agree, too. You have to trust the guy.
Like everyone else has said, trust is the key. I’m a Navy wife and my husband and I are constantly being separated and it’s not fun, but we love and trust one another enough to make it work. Every other relationship I’ve been in has been long distance at some point, and I think one caution is that if you have no future plans to be in the same area someday that it might not be a good idea. I went away to college with a boyfriend at home and eventually realized that I was going to be living in another state for four years and that our lives were really not going in the same direction.
another thing to take into consideration is the person asking the question thinks he is cheating. has he done anything in the past to make him untrustworthy? that is rather key information.
Yea, you have to trust the guy. I know one woman who broke up with a friend of mine because he went out with an old female friend(not girlfriend, just friend) of his, just for dinner(and it was a group thing, it wasn’t just the 2 of them). But LDR’s suck.
I agree with you.
I’ve been in those spots myself, since I’m currently in a LDR too. Communication and trust are very crucial and essential to the survival of any long distance relationship. But don’t be too clingy.
Yeah, there’s not much to do. Trust is the only way.
Shameless plug: http://www.xanga.com/MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio/690778209/a-ldrs-and-online-relationships/
I never addressed cheating in my post. To be honest, if you can’t trust him, then break it off. Do you really think you’ll become ‘more’ trusting over time? More likely the opposite will happen. He won’t answer his phone sometime, because he’s out. You’ll wonder. He forgets to return your call, you’ll wonder more. Either you can trust him to stay faithful, you breakup, or you move to an open relationship. LDRs are not for everyone, and it sounds like this one is just going to end poorly for you. Better to call it quits now before you both end up insane. It doesn’t seem like you’re ready.
I just answered this one
u know what
THUG LIFE!
@LittleWhiteBlog - Ok and I would agree with you
I think ths whole LD relationsip craze is BS>>>> = SUX
How does one build a relationship that way… you don’t. kill it now before someone gets hurt
Hi! Thanks for he addie! ^_^
and Hey, How do work your questions? Like, I don’t find it necessary to be anonymous but I need clrification on ho you want it to be done. I really want to ask you questions.
@Working_On_Not_Thinking - send your question to snippiesblog@gmail.com
“I want things to work and think they are working, but I am scared that he is cheating on me..” read this part and at least one of you are thinking of things working, but that same person sees the end of it before it has happened. If thoughts and thinking lead to the things that will be, possibly your words are self defeating before they have a chance to take root. Can you make things work really at all? If so, how?
So often, people in love or in the belief that what they have is something to this ambiguous term “love” that is uniquely theirs and with just the right amount of work, toil, suffering worry or fretting over it–something will come of it. Fretting, worrying or imagining the worse of someone else is really not love at all. It is more an indication of yourself. There is nothing wrong with you whatsoever, you are amazing, wonderful and worthwhile…however, you just don’t see that in this particular expression…
randomly,
Joyce Brothers, yeah, I am still alive…
that is soo true!you give the best adivce and its true.You must listen to your heart to tell you whats wrong and right.
I have too many misgivings with long distance relationships… *mirror stare*
what did i say when…………………………………how old are u