January 28, 2009
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UPDATED – Dear Snippie #38 (Wife thinks cheating is ok)
Question:
Dear Snippie, I am a good husband, I think. But I still like to flirt, and even fool around a little now & then. My wife knows how I am and isn’t jealous. Do you think this is wrong, if I’m comfortable telling her about it, and she doesn’t mind?Answer:
Honestly I don’t know how to answer this one. She doesn’t mind so it really isn’t my place to say whether or not what you do in your relationship is wrong or right. But I think you need to look at yourself. Why do you feel the need to cheat? Also, if you didn’t feel it was somewhat wrong you wouldn’t be asking me, right? So maybe you need to look more inside yourself and figure out what is going on in your relationship that you feel the need to be with other women. The question I will answer that you asked is if I think it’s wrong. I do. Just because I feel when you are with someone you should be with that person and that person alone.UPDATED
so i read the question again. I think what he is asking is, is it wrong that she is ok with it. I don’t think he was asking if it was ok if he cheats. So in that case I think he should talk to her about it and find out why she thinks it’s ok. Does she feel as though she can’t satisfy him? Because she might start to resent him for it later and use this against him.
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Please rec this post. It helps me get more questions. I can’t do these post without questions.
, Snippie
Comments (67)
Wow. That’s a little crazy. I can’t believe his wife is okay with it, that makes me think that she’s got something else going on the side too. She says it’s okay so that she doesn’t feel guilty about her own infidelity. I wonder if he would be okay with it if he knew that. Either way I think it’s wrong too.
I wonder if his wife is really ok with it or if she is just settling. hmm. I don’t agree with cheating, but i do wonder how would he feel if she did it. Would it still be ok then? And if he isn’t satisfied in the relationship why is he still there?
Nice google ads, lol
Well, they went away now…but they were for cheating spouses.
Divorce or 3-Way. Your choices.
@StewieIsMyHero - It’s easy to believe his wife is ok with it. Swingers exist and all. However, what I find odd is his reaction. If he isn’t comfortable with it why is he doing it?
@bosefius - Yeah, that is a good point, as Snippie stated as well. Obviously he thinks what he is doing is wrong and it is selfish to stay in a relationship based on deception; whether (he thinks) she is okay with it or not.
@bosefius - thats what I was going to say. If theyre both ok with it, theres not much us outsiders can advise. But, he is writing in, which makes me think hes not totally comfortable with it. Id like to ask this guy if he thinks its ok for his wife to cheat.(?)
@StewieIsMyHero - @mrsprosa - He confuses me. He keeps pursuing these encounters and is freaking that his wife is cool with it. Something very odd going on. If he is stressing about his wife possibly cheating then he should say it, not wrap it around his own behavior and her acceptance with it.
@StewieIsMyHero - it’s deception if he kept it from her, but she knows.
@bosefius - I think the real problem is that he is troubled by her being ok with it. There are certain kinds of jealousy that are healthy in a relationship. Maybe he equates her not caring with not caring about him.
@A___Beautiful___Disaster - I still think it is deception if she knows about it. He is still being unfaithful to her which is deceitful in it’s own way. He isn’t lying, no, but he is being an asshole. I can see how he could equate her not caring with not being jealous. If that is the case I don’t understand why they’re still together. @bosefius - Yeah, something is right here. It definitely sounds like he is being dishonest with himself.
I wonder if maybe the wife knows she can’t fulfill all his needs which is why she’s okay with him cheating…
Maybe he has a double standard in effect where if it’s okay for him to cheat she might do it too…but he wouldn’t approve of it if it wasn’t the other way around.
I think of the Decameron story about the woman who was put to trial for cheating on her husband…she explained that she loved him so much that she had to place her love toward someone else…she abided by his every command and gave him what she wanted. Why is it wrong that she use some of those emotions toward someone else as well….it’s an interesting story, one that I was surprised was written so long ago…before Shakespeare’s time.
@StewieIsMyHero - I am not trying to make this personal, because it’s not, but from a personal stand point my wife is turned on by my flirting (and whatever else may happen). She finds it erotic other women find me desirable. This could be his wife’s attitude also. It’s his reaction that concerns me. Is he trying to make her jealous, get her to leave him?
@A___Beautiful___Disaster - Me too. He acts this way, she says cool and he freaks. Looks like he is trying to find some kind of out.
@bosefius - It does sort of sound that way…
@bosefius - @StewieIsMyHero - i wonder if i misunderstood the question. do you think he is asking if it is wrong that his wife is ok with it and not if it’s ok that he cheats?
dude. If u are cheating on ur wife. U better have good reason cuase I would be failthful to what ever came my way (if it ever comes my way cuase nothing like that never comes my way) u sadden me dude till u have a reason to cheat on ur wife thats pluasible..no mini for u
Yeah! I re-read the question. He is asking if it’s wrong that his wife is okay with it. In that case, I do think it’s kind of weird, not necessarily wrong.
@SnippiesBlog - Very weird, I wonder if he will message and clarify
@dude_maxton - awwwww i dont get a mini because of him? damn
@SnippiesBlog - Ok, when the update is read maybe she doesn’t have issues, maybe she finds it erotic. However, he needs to stop talking to you/us and talk to her. Goes back to communication, communication, communication, the second sexiest thing people can do with their mouths.
@bosefius - ya i think i needed a little more information
I’ve always wanted an “open” relationship.. *sigh*
wow who is okay with this but i think u hit dat shit on the head she feeels like she cant satisfy him
@bosefius - so whats the 1st thing
I agree with Snippie. She might not mind now, but I think it’s going to wear on her self esteem and eventually she’s going to resent you for it.
@SnippiesBlog - I will give u a mini…i thought this dude got the minis..sowwy
here u go
my monster mini
I understand Men’s need to have variety, but come on… don’t get married if you can’t keep it in your pants! She’s either ok with it because she’s doing it too or she just does not care enough. I couldn’t do it, that’s for sure!
Sounds like polyamory to me. And, as a poly person, I think it’s a-ok. I understand the focus of most poly relationships **is not** sex, however, the three top points poly people drive home over and over again are 1) Communication, 2) Honesty, 3) Genuine acceptance by however many people are involved. They talk (about this; at least it seems that way), so it appears 1 and 2 are met. If she genuinely is okay with him “fooling around” with other women (whatever that means — that could be so many things) or flirting with other women, I don’t see too big a deal. Plenty of people in my circle of friends are okay with flirting and “fooling around” with other people — so long as that doesn’t cross a line, a line that is determined in each individual relationship and with each person of interest. (For example, it may not *usually* be okay to sleep with someone, most of my friends don’t want flirting or “fooling around” to cross over into the sexual-intercourse territory — however, I’ve seen a person come along that was so attractive/fun/etc where the partner was like “go for it. I’d do her too if I could.” shrug.) It doesn’t matter so much to some people. What matters is that, in the end, you’re coming back to your wife or your husband or your partner; that once all the fun is over you don’t love them any less. Different people meet different needs; and sometimes it’s illogical to expect one person to meet every last one of them.
@TATASOCUTE - Um, I think that’s a good question for Snippie’s Blog
Question #38
I have a feeling that she’s gonna blow up on him sooner or later. If you’re in love with someone then you’re not ok with them being with someone else. At least, that’s my personal experience. Maybe she’s just not in love with him.
@jewjewbeedragon - Or it turns her on, just to present a third choice.
@StewieIsMyHero - @CiaoBella810 -
Some people just aren’t into the whole “I own you” mentality. Some people get married for the legal and financial benefits, while they still want to swing or be somewhat polyamorous. As long as they are discussing these desires and flings, and as long as no one is lying about how accepting they are as the behavior, than there are no problems. Lines are to be drawn for every relationship, by the two (or more) people directly affected: the ones that are in it.
@A___Beautiful___Disaster - “I think the real problem is that he is troubled by her being ok with it. There are certain kinds of jealousy that are healthy in a relationship. Maybe he equates her not caring with not caring about him.” I couldn’t agree more. There needs to be more communication about this for sure.
@bosefius - I’ve seen this happen in a number of relationships (mostly dating relationships, but whatever). I like that your wife is comfortable enough to be turned on; most people are so consumed by their jealousy they would never get to that point.
I think he should ask himself why the hell he feels he needs outside confirmation to justify what he is doing. One of two things could be happening. She isn’t really okay with it, but says she is because she doesn’t want him to leave, and he knows that on some level. The other thing is he thinks he is doing something wrong, and feels the need to be further justified by other people so that he can sleep at night. Either way, its wrong in someone’s eyes and he should stop until they get it resolved.
I thought you gave a well-thought-out answer, and the reactions of your readers was so varied!
I find it interesting that so many assumed he is having actual affairs, even though he doesn’t say he is. He refers to “flirting and fooling around a little now & then” It is possible to flirt in places like bars, nightclubs and gentleman’s clubs, without going so far as an affair, and the “fooling around” might mean a little bit of dancing, kissing, even what used to be called light petting. I think that’s fairly harmless, and she probably receives some benefit from this, as he goes home to his wife turned on, and makes love to her while telling her about his night.
Another excellent Dear Snippie!
There is never a good reason or valid excuse for adultery. He’s a rat bastard. Wrap it up in harmless flirting. Whine and complain all you want about feeling neglected or not being satisfied. But unless you’ve pursued resolution with your spouse and they’re unwilling to work with you, you’re just a liar and a no good cheat. Yes, I have some experience in this area.
here’s a mini, cause I heart you.
different strokes for different folks, mate.
@theblackspiderman - thanks honey!
@lonelywanderer2 - thanks doll
i think thats really sad, and kind of fucked up. thats now how marriage should be. or any committed relationship.
It’s a trap dude! It has to be a trap. No woman is ever “okay” with you messing around with other chicks.
Naive people amuse me.
Hmmm, I feel like her being ok with it is a sign that she feels she HAS to allow it in order to keep you.
That is a double edged sword situation. It makes me think that if she is okay with it then she is doing it herself and if she is not then there are personal issues at work here. What ever happens with them they both need to take a step back and look at their relationship up close… especially if they are married and completely committed.
In the eastern half of the world it is alright for a man to have multiple spouses for different reasons. However, the problem in the west with that is the idea of 50/50. Which brings into the idea if the guy is able to handle multiple relationships then the women either must not think much of herself or has other things of her own. However, there are people who are not compatible unless they compartmentalize themselves in order to have that portion that is bonded. This is more true of highly specialized individuals. A specialist may have a normal spouse that works at a walmart but would like to have deeper discussions and connections over their skills. The spouse at walmart may feel the same way or even be happy with their life as the spouse comes home happy and does their job while at home. When you wed some one you take responsibility to help with their emotional health. It goes both ways it is not just the man’s job to provide emotional support and it is a common gripe amongst women that to do this makes them feel like they are their husband’s mom. Consorts in other nations are popular amongst the higher classes to fill this role so the wife isn’t burdened with a responsibility she doesn’t want. Even when initially she said yes to it. Saying yes and then not fullfilling creates a deficiet in the relationship. Taking a secondary lover to fill it is natural and I see no problem with it as long as the natural material rights are not threatened. Like say he doesn’t father an illigitimate child without first permission and she doesn’t mother an illigitimate child without his first permission to do so. Also for it to work both partners need to agree to a set of rules that involves amending the marital vows and a understanding if there it an issue that one would bring it up.
Ive had open relationships in the past and they tend to be more stable as well as last longer. I have a bad habit of smothering people when im in a luvy dovy phase and then that dies down. So it is easier to keep a second in order to moderate in the first. My girlfriends find it annoying when i get that way and it has driven afew off and some get put off when I have a second. Me im currently signal and I intend to remain so until my personal issues are in order. Ive goten numbers, looks and girls who don’t even speak my language hit on me. But I don’t really want to chase so I go home and sleep.
Man, I would feel soOooO guilty, even if my fiancee didn’t care. But, that is just me.
You know what? I think it’s wrong that we as a society expect every member to be like every other member. It is abundantly clear to me that monogamy is NOT for everyone! Given the rate at which people fail to live up to this ridiculous standard!
You have to be the way you are, otherwise you’re going to live your life repressed and frustrated. I think the writer of the question is lucky to have a spouse who understands and maybe (probably) relates to this.
or maybe she’s cheating as well
She is eventually gonna hate him for it I mean it might be ok at first but then one day she is gonna feel horrible about it. I think he needs to stop cheating first of all and he needs to have a long chat with his SO.
I think it is absolutely fine if she is okay with it. I have always been an advocate of relationships that aren’t monogamous, if everyone is happiness. After all, what kind of relationship works for someone is not really any of our business.
Even if his wife is okay with it, I’m not okay with it. Messing around on a spouse is one of the lowest things a person can do. It’s quite possible that she’s not actually okay with it and just doesn’t tell him that for whatever reason. I noticed that he didn’t actually mention asking her what her feelings on it were.
I’ve been cheated on before, and I was never okay with it. I never really did anything about it, and I was still kind to all involved. Instead I just felt powerless. She may just not know what else to do, not wanting to lose him.
Either way, this makes me uncomfortable.
I agree that they need to have an in-depth discussion about this. Wow. I’m floored that she would really be ok with though.
Why is he married if he only wants to play the field? Why is she married if she doesn’t care if he is with other women? Something strange here! Why do spouses treat each other the way they do? I don’t get it now and never will.
Antoher Snippie success. Congrats! I wish I had written this!
@lonelywanderer2 - haha ur crazy
Personally, I would say no, that isn’t okay. In my eyes, cheating is wrong. Period. But I’m a one-guy one-girl kinda gal so. . .yeah.
Good question though. Great post.
I’m at a loss for words..
If he’s worried about why she’s accepting it, maybe they should try marriage counseling?
Maybe she is going out with someone else on her side. Maybe thats why she is okay with it. I can’t see a person being alright with it unless she really doesn’t love him.
Hey there! Thanks for adding me.. Im excited.. ur site looks awesome!! Im gonna check it out at work tomorrow! Hope ur having a good week!!!
meh… I think I might go back to being the other guy. U know the guy a girl goes to “save her” from her bad relationship. That is until I become the “bad relationship” meh… I might just curl up in my electric blanky and just say screw it all. Dreams are better.
I know what it’s like to flirt when you’re married. Guys just can’t help it.
I think that monogamy is not our natural biological drive (Men especially) and that as long as each person is okay with it, then it’s cool. It’s not for me personally, but I feel it takes a great deal of maturity to be in that type of a relationship. Most mature, intelligent people understand the humans sexual drive. Now, if you were doing these things behind your wife’s back, then I would say that was wrong, but not because of the act of cheating but because of the abuse of trust.
@NanoMia - yeah, but he is fooling around… now that is different.
perhaps she is doing the same thing he is.
I was going to ask what he meant but fooling around a little.. but I guess that means he cheats. Regardless if his wife is alright with that or not, it’s still wrong.. so knock it off. If you feel the need to be with someone other than your spouse or significant other then don’t get into a relationship (marriage) with that person. That’s my take on it as a single man that can’t find a woman to save my life. LOL
Can I have his wife’s number?
I mean, if he can fool around, why can’t she???
I have the same views as you… loved your plug… that picture was awesome!
I don’t think any woman in her right mind can tolerate her man’s infidelity.
@sammyjo_1 - thanks girl
it seems like he’s a douchebag and she’s a wuss who’s worried that this *amazing* man will get away if she complains about his infidelity.
how hard is it NOT to screw around on someone you supposedly love? maybe if people thought more before they committed themselves randomly to someone this wouldn’t happen so often…
i’m diatribing. sorry.
all i’m saying is, keep it in your pants.