January 24, 2009
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Dear Snippie #35 (Is watching porn cheating?)
Question:
Dear Snippie,
I found out that my husband looks at porn when I’m not around. This really makes me feel insecure because I can never compete with the girls he’s looking at. Is this considered cheating? How should I handle it without embarrassing him or me?”Answer:
I understand how you feel. I once had a boyfriend do this to me too. I don’t mind porn but I do mind when you hide it and pretend you weren’t looking at it when you were. I think as long as the guy is honest about looking at it it’s fine. There’s no reason to be insecure about your man watching porn. He’s with you and loves you. I don’t believe this is cheating at all. I think talking to him about it in a nice way and just letting him know how you feel is the way to go. Let him know that you feel insecure. Maybe he can help you feel better by reassuring you . But communication is the key.
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XOXO,
Snippie
Comments (57)
I agree, but I feel like some women think it is cheating & to them it is… I may not understand that point of view, but it’s personal thing…
If he was hiding it then yes embarras the hell out of him. If not we are agreed. Either way, she has nothing to feel insecure about and he should be more attentive to his wife!!!
Just my opinion!!!
Hiding porn and being addicted to it are harmful for a relationship. There is a time and place for it,but working together is the key.
I think you’re right. If he’s honest about it, then it’ better than if he hid it.
Maybe he’s looking at it BECAUSE you’re away, and not necessarily hiding it.
Most guys have porn in their lives from relatively young ages. (I’ve known about it for probably longer than I should’ve).
The real question is how your husband treats you when you’re around. Does he still find you attractive? Does he still make love to you like you like him to? If so, don’t worry about what he does when his main source of sex (you) is unavailable.
Now, that being said… if you find that the subjects in his porn are bothering you (gay, underage, extreme fetish, illegal) that’s different.
But if a guy is just looking at porn while you’re gone, don’t jump to the conclusion that he’s hiding it from you.
By all means talk to him about it. But don’t assume the worst before you do.
Porn? What’s that?
Porn is just not a good thing, period.
Maybe he is watching porn to get ideas of stuff to try on you. Not that it is such a good reason, I can imagine some of those porn starlets have to go to chiropractors from being positioned in ways the human form wasn’t mean to be during scenes.
And I know some women that love the porn as much as guys.
Personally I find it a bit boring and redundant.
i love porn.
i hope my boyfriend and i watch it together, whenever i get one.
I think guys just want to have porn for sex with ladies or the other way around.
I can never understand why people get so upset about porn. Oy. I wouldn’t worry unless he was choosing porn over you when you’re there in person –that would be troubling.
I would look at porn. But I think she might know. She can tell when I get confused about things like that. I once thought about another woman I saw. She scratched my face with her fingernail.
If he is hiding it from you, he probably thinks he is doing something wrong, and probably thinks that you think its wrong. Tell him you know. If he tries to hide it, cover it up, excuse it, etc, then you have a problem. If he is honest about it, then I wouldn’t be worried about it.
Porn makes me insecure. I understand that thoughts come and go into everyone’s mind, and thats human. Theres no problem in that. Personally, I think it’s cheating (when my significant other does it) because he/she is willingly and purposefully putting other people in their minds, wishing they were doing something with them, when you have a significant other dedicated to you. But that is just me. If someone is okay with the other looking at porn, then thats fine and dandy. But I don’t think one answer to whether porn is wrong or not can apply to everybody. Everyone’s relationship is completely different.
Porn is wrong.
@just_the_average_jane - Agreed.
Why would a guy tell you he’s watching porn? That he gets pleasure from something other than you? It’s like your SO saying “wow that chick has a HOT RACK” when you’re walking around the supermarket.Yes, he SEES it. Oh, he’s thinking it. But why the hell would he want to point it out? It’s called being polite and considerate. Hiding porn is the same. Like jane said, it’s only a problem when he’s choosing it OVER you. Guys enjoy things other than you. A wandering eye does NOT reflect on your desirability until it gets to the point where he DESIRES to ACT on his wandering eye (unfortunately it’s hard to tell until he DOES act on it, but if you’re shrewd, you may figure it out before it goes that far). So I disagree with you Snip. Hiding porn is a courtesy, assuming you know your SO isn’t comfortable with it (and finding out, communicating to find out IF she’s comfortable with it is good). It falls into the same category of saying “hey you gained weight” (not that he’s less attracted to you for it) and “that girl is hotter than you”. It’s not mean. It doesn’t mean you’re worth less. It’s just reality.
@MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio - good points
I think porn is fine, as long as the spouse knows about it. I used to have a friend it bothered alot, though. She found 2 Playboys in their basement, and to hear her, you’d think her husband had an affair!
I don’t consider looking at porn cheating. But I also don’t think you should be embarrassed about talking it over with your husband. Open lines of communication are key and you should feel comfortable enough to talk to him about what is bothering you—whether it be his porn watching or not.
OK ladies…listen up. Guys look at porn. They looked at porn before they knew you. They will look at porn while they are with you. And, they will look at porn after your relationship has ended. It has nothing to do with you and your insecurities. This is how guys are hardwired. Testosterone has a lot to do with it. It doesn’t just give us bigger muscles and hair…it also gives us a high sex drive.
I heard an interview on “This American Life” some years ago with a radical lesbian feminist who decided to get a sex change. She said that before the procedure she would approach a woman to have a discussion about what she was reading, what kinds of films she liked, etc. Basically, she was interested in getting to know the other woman. After her 1st testosterone shot she said said she was walking down the street towards her and all she could think about was her breasts! She forced herself to look away b/c she didn’t want to come across like some sexist male. As the woman passed her she was full of anxiety and it didn’t go away until she turned around and looked at the woman’s butt. It was at this point, she said, that she really understood men and what we go through from about the age of 12.
So, if your man is looking at porn just deal with it. It’s normal and natural. Or, take some advise from Pyrra and watch it with your boyfriend (hope you get one soon, Pyrra!).
I dont think its cheating..especially if you arent hiding it….in fact…i have my own collection as well…i cnt do the downloads and online though…too many viruses
MY FIANCE WATCHES PORN AND ITS JUS TO LEARN NEW THINGS I SAY TALK TO HIM AND WATCH IT WITH HIM YALL COULD LOOK AN DIFFERENT THINGS U WANT TO TRY THATS WHAT I DECIDED TO DO AND SEX IS BETTER THAN EVER
i look at porn and my gf knows that… i am not ashamed.
I think porn is wrong, and I say this from the perspective of someone who used to frequent it. I’ll blog an explanation some time. Anyway, if you have a problem with him watching porn, tell him. I’m not sure I’d go so far as to call it cheating, but it’s not good either. If he respects you, he’ll stop.
I admit, if I had a boyfriend who wanted to watch porn, I wouldn’t mind as long as he wasn’t lying to me and telling me he wasn’t watching it. I don’t have a very positive opinions about people who do porn but I believe that because I don’t know how anyone can have a career like that without the risk of issues coming up.
Porn is absolutely NOT cheating. Neither is going to a strip club. It’s just another way of satisfying the need for human contact.
@AilinCorazon - it’s a kind of exotic food from the rainforests of brazil.
I don’t think it’s cheating. I personally don’t like the stuff, but I understand that it’s there. It’s bad when they choose porn over you, I guess.
for me, porn is not something I couldnt have my SO consistently watch bc its not that I would want to compete with the other women, I just dont want him looking at her private areas at all. I know that in some situations like a movie you would see in a theatre is different because is is based around a plot… but when someone deliberately watches the movie for the sex..its uncomfortable. Stip clubs are even worse because your paying a woman to provoke a sexual pleasure. You may not be touching, but the intent is there, and Its almost the same for a porno, just less personalized…
I don’t think it’s a big deal at all as long as your significant other isn’t lying to you about it or being hurtful, however I know a lot of girls that get completely freaked out by the thought of their boyfriend having a wank over some other girl lol. I guess there’s no wrong or right answer here but whatever works for the individual relationship.
well. If i had a GF and i was caught watching porn…(most likely cuaght masterbaiting) I hope she would talk to me or bring it up or something cuz if she is feeling insecured about it. I would like her to tell me but if she is one of those girls thats like “lets watch porn together” then its a win/win. But i shoulfdnt have to be watching porn cuase I have a GF so yeah… I get to look at her boobies….for free!
My wife has no problem with it. Sometimes we’ll watch it together, but hiding it should be explained up front guys, atleast if you intend on keeping the girl. I told my wife LONG before we started getting serious that I looked at porn. She’s respected me since then, and it’s never been an issue. If you don’t mention and she finds out later on, she may feel taken advantage of, even if you weren’t aiming to do that.
And women, if you really find it offensive, then you need to explain that up front if you’re serious with a guy. Don’t assume the guy knows. Hell, most of the time he’s assuming you wouldn’t have a problem with it.
While it’s not “legally” cheating so to speak, I think someone who looks at porn would cheat on their spouse if given the chance, I’ve never understood the attraction of looking at something I can’t touch…. LOL The same with strip clubs / bars. If you can’t touch and play with it…. why bother
Depends on how your partner feels, so it’s hard to say. But definetly talk it out ^_^
the girl shouldn’t feel insecure.. porn can be helpful
but yea if her man is hiding it from her, she just needs to talk to him about it
that is normal for guys to do. it isnt normal that he doesnt tell you about it…all my exes and my current boyfrend watch porn. it doesnt bother me at all. it doesnt feel like cheating to me. there’s not emotions attached to it, no love. just visual. they’ll never meet the girls in the videos. he might even be looking for ideas to share with you. i dont think you have anything to worry about
Porn is not a big deal until he becomes obsessed with it. And, if you talk to him, this shouldn’t happen. If it does, you two have got loads of other problems to deal with.
@MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio - in my opinion, anything that your significant other (ESPECIALLY your spouse) does that they cant tell you about is cheating. he/she should be able to tell you about something as simple as watching porn. it’s true that your sig. other is going to be into things that you’re not into and may find others attractive, so nobody should trip that their sig. other is watching porn, unless he or she is choosing it OVER you, as musingsofanalmostsocio said. but i do disagree when he says it’s okay to hide it. not okay. to me, if you’re hiding it, you possibly feel guilty about it. it’s a form of cheating, because it’s dishonesty, something that is not needed in a relationship and of course, if he or she gets caught, that’s gonna cause a rift in the relationship right? now trust is questioned. ‘if you cant tell me about porn, what else are you not telling me about?’ just come out and say it, your sig. other may watch it with you sometimes.
If the guy doesn’t hide it and both people talked about it, then I don’t see that as cheating. It’s perfectly fine to talk about porn with your significant other.
…or his wife should pay more attention to him. Guys that get it often don’t usually watch porn.
@LilEssence03 - I hear you, but I still disagree. Just because significant others SHOULDN’T be bothered by something, doesn’t mean they won’t be. I’m perfectly fine with TELLING them, hey, btw, i watch porn, and i’m going to hide it from you and pretend that I don’t, FYI. But honestly, some things in your relationships you just don’t want to know and frankly, ignorance isn’t bliss, but it is definitely sanity. Do you want your parents telling you, “hey, btw, we like to have sex like bunny rabbits whenever you aren’t home.”? Besides, let’s say we DO feel guilty about it. So what? We feel guilty because we have urges that we’re not proud of. “Wow that’s a really hot piece of jailbait 17-year old @$$.” You can’t tell me that a guy should turn to his gf and say that out loud. And yeah, he’ll probably also even feel a little guilty for thinking it. It’s not cheating. If at all possible, at the very least let them know you watch porn. But I certainly wouldn’t feel compelled to. Some things are best left alone. Not every relationship gets to be ‘ideal’, and certainly not every relationship can handle all secrets. Reality dictates that we compromise and we settle. It’s not something we AIM for, but it’s reality. Why destroy a great relationship with nuances? Sure, it’d be great to find the one that matches us perfectly, who is comfortable with everything that we are and that we feel, but in our real finite living lives and even shorter dating lives, you can’t guarantee that’s going to happen. I don’t think that’s pessimistic, I think it’s realistic.
I think it depends what role the porn plays for him psychologically. I know that sounds weird, but think about it. If he is only doing it because he is really horny and your not around, thats one thing. If hed rather spend time watching porn then spend time with you, thats different.
@grammarboy - i agree with this a lot. i mean, why does he feel it necessary to view it? i understand guys are “hardwired” to enjoy such things, but if you’re married and you love your wife (and vice versa) when you’re looking at those things, you’re not focused on your spouse, which you should be. if you’re watching together, that may be a different story, but definitely not just one person.
If your sex life is good and the love is there, then it probably isn’t unhealthy. There are many possible reasons why he likes to look at porn. It could be because he’s unsatisfied, sexually. Or maybe not. Maybe he’s just curious about sex.
I’m not a fan of porn for other reasons but I think its not cheating. If it’s being hidden from you then that might be a little weird but guys don’t usually come right out and say “hey, just to let you know i watch porn” so you really gotta ask. My bf is actually embarrassed to admit that he watches it!
I think if he is aware it makes you insecure then he shouldn’t do it. Whether it is classified as “cheating” or not is irrelevant if it is harming the relationship.
I don’t know if I would classify porn as “cheating” or not but I don’t feel like it’s healthy for a relationship. It’s too easy to get addicted to and I personally believe that when you are married then your spouse should be it for you. Sex is intimate…the closest you could possibly be to another human being. I think it should be valued and respected. Hooking up with a stranger and slapping it on video to some corny music hardly seems like you value sex. And when you don’t value sex, what message does that send to your partner? That’s why it hurts so many women, I think. It IS personal, we want to be cherished. Love and sex are part of that and are inseparable for me. For many men it would be a sacrifice to give up porn. Sure it’s instant gratification, it’s fun, it’s something exciting. But isn’t your partner worth that sacrifice? Mine was for me!
I never deny it, and encourage watching it together. And yes never lie about it.
Lets put it this way. If the guy watches porn, he is fantasizing about stuff she doesn’t want to do and will never do… Especially if she asks a question like that. So really, he’s ‘mind-cheating’ on her while beating off to some dirty act on the screen. It’s the sad truth. Also this single act will lead to multiple acts, which leads to chaffing and boredom, which then results to finding other mediums to get the act done… Ahem, really cheating. So…
Here’s how you handle it. Catch him off guard by renting a pornographic movie and suggest watching it with him. Then discuss which acts you are comfortable doing. I recommend experimenting a bit. Go beyond your boundaries; who knows what you might enjoy.
And Snippie, I don’t want to come off as cruel here, but I think your answer was too generic; although I like what you are trying to do. When answering questions, try to answer them from a guy and girls prospective. If you need Mars/Testosterone suggestions, give me a shout
That’s a hard question to answer. Yes, porn is partaking in something sexual minus your significant other, it’s addictive, and gives very unrealistic views of sexuality. I guess it depends on the man’s attitude towards it.
I don’t suppose you told your husband you posted this blog? Not sure what that means just thought I’d say it.
I’m pretty sure it’s not cheating and you shouldn’t feel insecure either, masturbation is a personal experience one that can only be had alone once you add other people into the mix it becomes something different. You can’t recreate the personal experience part, he’s not replacing you he’s just enjoying himself on the side, the porn has nothing to do with you.
Caio.
@Mr_Tyson57 - How am I suppose to answer from a guys perspective? That what you’re here for.
I watch porn but I love and will do sex with I guy.
Very good advice…and some of the comments are way to funny
I believe that porn is wrong no matter what. It is very addictive, and can tear apart relationships. Why risk ruining your perfectly good relationship by watching something so meaningless? And if you are single, that’s no excuse either. Because eventually you will get into a relationship and it’s going to be hard for you to break the addiction.
I agree, Porn isn’t bad unless it is lied about. Pornography is a personal choice and many people watch and enjoy it. Once you start lying about it to your SO, it becomes something to come between you two, causing relationship issues. You are dead on with this one, you are absolutely correct that communication is key.
I saw that you have a website! Thats awesome. Are you still interested in RSSing onto antisoccermom.com? You wont need to create any new material, I can get it from here or your .com. I have found the layout Im comfortable with and am still tweaking but Id give you an entire categories if you wanted. If not, Ive got your site bookmarked and you know Ill be there supporting you!
have you thought about doing all kinds of questions, or are you just comfortable with sex related questions?
Sorry I havent been around, I had to have oral surgery twice this week, long story. But Im so happy to see that you are still doing dearsnippie. This is a priceless website and I think alot of us can learn something here. Alright, im done abusing your comment section.
Mwah!
and for the record, I love porn.