December 30, 2008
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The absent father – Updated
I don’t talk to him. I haven’t in over 10 years. I miss him yet wouldn’t want to see him ever again. He use to make me laugh and cry. Hide and Play. Shake and Scream. It was my choice though. My choice to never speak to him again. He was awful. Mean. Cold. It was his way or no way. So i chose my way.
My kids have never met him. Its sad but the more I think about it it’s definitely for the best. They’re better off not knowing him. You can’t miss what you don’t know.
The rest of his family have no disowned him. They want nothing to do with his as well. He tried suing his mother for his inheritance….his mothers not dead. He didn’t attend his father funeral. He keeps me and my siblings from speaking to each other. We tried keeping it a secret for 2 years but he found out and put an end to it.
He’s not a kind man.
I realized that my anger stemmed from him. My uncontrolled anger. All from not having that unconditional love and affection. A daughter needs that from her father. She needs it in order to feel special and important. With out that she will be searching for it in other people.
How do you get over something as traumatic as losing a father. You don’t. You learn how to deal with it. You cope. You grow. You heal.
UPDATE
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for being so supportive. I tried keeping up and replying to everyone but it got a little overwhelming. So thank you for all of your well wishes. I also wanted to say something to the people that have the same issues I have. Just remember that it has nothing to do with who you are. It’s about the parent not being able to handle it. Don’t blame yourself for someone’s faults. Stay strong and try not to take out your anger for him on anyone else. That was my hardest hill but i climbed it and am not on the other side.
Love you all
Becca
Comments (168)
wow…this is so powerfully written. good for you!!
And you never wrote a personal blog before WHY? Good stuff, right here.
PS … Love you.
This is the best post I’ve read here. I think you’re on to something. It’s very honest and must have taken a lot of courage. Very well done!
I echo everyone esle. You write well. It was a little peek into who are.
I have nothing to add to the comments above.
You are a very strong person. I wrote something that relates early this morning- it was about my mom though.
WOW, Snippie…that was very revealing. I never knew my father…I don’t even know his name. I sometimes feel bad about not knowing my father, but when I hear of someone who had a horrible father, I feel that I am fortunate not knowing my father. God bless you!
@bookwormchic09 - Yeah, I agree. It shows your readers the real you.
And you’re a stronger person because of your past, and now your readers can now see that. I like bloggers that can write about themselves at some point and make them more relatable.
~Amanda
Wow we are alike. I haven’t seen my father in like 7 years…before that he only showed up a few times and I met him when I was like 8. Everytime he does contact me it’s to tear me down and be mean and angry projecting his not being there and being a horrible father onto me. It was so bad that the last time he contacted me a few years ago I ended up in the hospital cuz I wanted to commit suicide then he said he’d never contact me again and haven’t heard from him but he says that then pops up again when I’m getting better in life…like he contacted me right after I graduated from college and then before that showed up to my high school graduation but wasn’t there any other time. I get angry at him and I have uncontrolled anger sometimes and maybe he has a lot to do with it. I had my mom and grandmother growing up and I thought that was my parents so I am still blessed regardless of whether he decides to be apart of my life or not and he was more detrimental in it.
Um… The first 4 or 5 comments pretty much sum it up for me. :]
this is awesome
yet sad
awesome that you wrote something personal
sad because i feel the same way about my father
only thing is it isnt so bad where i need to escape
nor has he done any of the things above
ive felt the same way though
@Rchick2006 - just remember. he’s the one missing out and its not your fault. he’s the one with the issues. I’m glad you’re still here to talk about it
As a father of three, I will never understand how a man cannot love his children and put them first in his life. Above all else. When it comes to your kids, you should do no harm. Sorry Becca, you deserved so much more from your dad.
@SnippiesBlog - thanks, yeah same with you..they are the ones missing out and the one that will have to answer to their behavior and missing out on their children’s lives. He wasn’t at my college grad, me getting my master’s, he won’t be there when I get my doctorate or when I get married or have kids…so he lost out on seeing his child’s life unfold and that can’t be taken back so he’ll have to deal with it.
@TheSilverAngel - @BarelyJen - @jacksoncroons - @bookwormchic09 - @casmarie - @jmallory - @plvelez - @lovemonkeyy - Thanks for being so supportive on my first blog about me.
@buddly47 - I don’t understand that either…I don’t understand how you can bring someone into the world and then reject them and not even care to see what they are doing or how they are faring in life…that is a responsibility and it’s like if it weren’t for my mom and my grandparents who were there to raise me I don’t know where I’d be…it’s sad and I don’t understand it but they will have to answer to it.
I wish I could heal.
@SnippiesBlog - It is kind of therapeutic, though. I have to admit. Writing, I mean.
Wow! For a “first” post, you did good.
you are so lucky that you don’t have to deal with yours or are pressured to follow one. I envy you. My dad is full of “loving” intents but his words are shallow and he hopes to lead me into traps that I cannot free myself from. I would like nothing more than to bury him, but we have to wait for time sometimes. The satisfaction is much more that way.
My world is filled with pointless pursuits and false breaks. I won’t heal, but I get stronger.
@Rchick2006 - They will answer one day, they truely will. Karma comes to us all, sooner or later.
awe
sorry
@buddly47 - pretty much….I believe that.
nice post! sometimes the easiest way to heal is to write things out.
Your last thought says it all.
I feel so compelled to leave a comment after reading this powerful post. I guess it’s the first time you pour out your feelings here? <<>>
@buddly47 - I knew you was a good man.
I can relate to a point. I lost my father 15 years ago, but in a different way. He had his issues…but I loved him despite them. What a difficult choice that must have been for you. I commend you for being strong enough to make a decision such as this. Many people, unfortunately, put up with the emotional abuse. Beautiful writing. Although I do enjoy your sex question blogs, I really enjoyed the personal touch on this post much more!
i found myself saying “me too” several times.
@mimic1983 - believe it or not, the decision to not talk to him anymore was more easy than i thought. It was kind of a relief.
@TheBigShowAtUD - awww really?
i’m going to agree with everyone else in saying that this was an absolutely amazing post. i’m so happy that you had the courage and the strength to let us peek into your life. i can’t wait to read more into the story book called your life … =)
[group hug for Snippie]
@buddly47 - thank you for your kind words
@purplepixiepoo - you can heal. it takes time
@Lithium98 - thank you
@StrawberryRose53 - you will heal, if you let yourself.
@RageGlam - thanks
You’er awesome. What you said is what i had to deal with too in a way. I love you!
@elelkewljay - awww thanks
@turnyalightsdownlow - thank you so much!
@CiaoBella810 - I love you too sweety!
Being a daughter who has lost her father too, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know this sounds terrible, but knowing that there are others that can understand the hurt, makes me feel safer.
And It’s not easy, feeling unsafe, you know.
Thank you.
Does giving up your father count as losing him?
@SnippiesBlog - mm hmm. REALLY.
“You cope. You grow. You heal.” Bravo! That what I’ve found in living a life to it’s fullest. No matter what or who we lose or never have, we can keep our feet in the game of life.
@Poetic_Thoughts_Of_Amanda - in my eyes it does. because i let him go. that to me is losing him as a father
forgiveness will heal YOU. remember: forgiving does not mean forgetting.
@Laryssa - of course there are others. im here if you ever need to talk about it.
one of the toughest thing a child could go through is the absence of a parent. mother or father. i’m sorry you had to go through this, and it was a wise choice to keep your children from meeting him. it might scar your children if he decides to do somethin of a offensive nature.
I understand how ya feel. It’s a hard havin’ to deal with having a father like that. I’m sorry he has those not quite “lovely” character traits…it’s a rough situation for all involved. The anger is a real fun thing to deal with…I’m kinda in the same boat as you with that as well. Its rough…time only tells though. I wish you luck. On another note, your post was very beautifully written…
@SnippiesBlog - That is what i did. Recently so the wound is still fresh but I am sure that it is the right choice.
That’s why you and I get along swimmingly—-we both have “daddy” issues! I love you woman!!!!!!
@Millsanicole - and mommy issues. love you too!
@LadyAsianInvasion - @XxWiltedRosexX - thank you!
@SnippiesBlog - but of course. Can’t leave them out!!!
It took a long time for me to come to terms that my father was never going to be my daddy. And it wasn’t anything I did to deserve that. My dad shows his face once or twice a year but yet, most of the time, he too is chronically absent. If it weren’t for his absence though I don’t know that I would be able to see so well that my kids, too, will be just fine without a daddy if need be.
This is written really well, Becca, and I’m sure that I’m not the only one who relates to it. Hugs and love!
I think one of the greatest poverties of our nation is the lack of good fathers. Imagine how many screwed up people out there would be in such a better shape had their fathers taken the time to love and raise their kids right. I too come from a home where the issue of father was not as it should be. I must say mine is in much better shape but all the same it definately affected my view of myself as a girl and how I saw men and ultimately how I view God. I hope at the very least you are able to reestablish contact with your siblings..
Thank you for sharing this with all of us. I know all too well that sometimes we have to cut those out of our lives that bring nothing but negativity to us. I’ve got to know, does this sudden blogging of certain personal issues have anything to do with my latest blog entry on Forgiveness?
It’s good to know that other people have bad relationships with their fathers.
Nice to meet you!
May you be happy now, even without your father and not feel so angry anymore!
This is very powerfully written.
For what its worth, I think that your children are better off without such a negative person in their lives.
Powerful subject, powerful words. We’ve been missing out; now I’m honored to read more about you.
I can relate. Reminds me of father. Haven’t seen him in 20 years. You’re right. You learn and cope and heal. But I cannot forgive.
@jediwa72 - Yes, your children will be alright because they have YOU, and you are doing all you can for them, and giving them all the love they can imagine. I, too, am raising mine alone, and although there have been some dark days, and I can’t be a dad to them, they are surrounded by people who love them and want the best for them.
I do worry about my daughter, because her father is alive and has very minimal contact with her….he will probably just fade away, or she will lose interest because he’s paid her virtually no attention. She’s almost 12, and I’m sure it will start bothering her more very soon. I have tried for years to maintain a close link, but he just isn’t “father material.” I’m sad for her.
This was a great post. I, being a parent and grandparent, could never understand someone not having unconditional love as far as their children were concerned. We don’t have to agree with everything they do or understand everything they do but it is up to us to love them no matter what. I am sorry for your loss but know you are better off without that kind of torment in your life. Hopefully someday he will come to realize what he has lost.
My father was a cruel man. I never could forgive his cruelty but I discovered that I had to forgive him so my own life would not be tied to his cruelty. I forgave him for being incredibly stupid. He missed everything about me and my children and their children and he was so stupid that he never even realized that he was missing anything. He died. He was not mourned by me or by any of my own. Every man should make his daughter feel like a princess or he is not doing his job right. There is more to being a Father than just donating sperm. I envy the women that have “real” fathers and I am amazed, in my lifetime and experience, at how few “real” fathers that I have encountered. I find that sad.
A very powerful post. I have never met my father in law because he appears to be of the same breed as your father. You are such a strong person in spite of it all, and that’s the same reason I love my husband. He is still full of so much love and kindness despite all the crap his dad put the family through.
@mundanejane - ”There is more to being a Father than just donating sperm” There is so much truth to this statement. I always say that parents choose to have children, their children didn’t choose to be born. It makes me sick so many people have children they cannot/will not love.
@buddly47 - @SnippiesBlog - @Rchick2006 - I don’t know if making the decision to not let your kids see their grandpa is proper (you’re making it for them)… unless he did something really bad or are bad to them. Eventually, they will want to know and it will come out. Not having a male role model can be detrimental as well. I get ignoring them and everything… must be something pretty bad… sounds as if you wouldn’t even go to his funeral (someday). Although, whereever you go, you carry half of his blood, so there is no escape no matter what… not to make it sound worse, but i’m always too direct with the truth.
@lil_squirrel4ever - in a way you’re right. i guess it’s worse if you fall in the accident category, or physically/mentally challenged
@pureboy123 - Not that I’d not want him to know my children but he’s never there for me to know them…he’s always the one disappearing and you never hear from him for like 10 years so that’s on him I would just not get close to him…I’m still up in the air about the funeral. I try not to think about that but since we were not close and we do not live in the same area and I’ve never met his side of the family except for half brothers who don’t talk to me either then I’d probably not even know…I don’t know whether he’s alive or not until he reappears.
@Rchick2006 - point taken
i’ve forgiven my father and I hope he’s going to change for the better. I miss him.
is that true… u dont have no father..?.. well cuz my father was killed in a ambush so yaaaa…….. hmmmm dont knoe the feeling of thay pain of gone….. well ya lol sry holla lol
Change is good…
This is great, and very true.
I don’t talk to my biological mother. I haven’t in almost 5 years now. The worst part is, I’m not even sure why anymore. She’s made no effort though, and maybe I’m just being an angsty teenager, but that’s upsetting. So, you deal, and you grow. Too true.
my dad raised me, never met my mom, but it sorta seems like my dad was never. it wouldve been nice, but its like he was never in my life. its sad.
My sisters father is kinda like that. ( we have different fathers)
Your dad doesn’t know what he’s missing out on.
I wasn’t entirely sure how to comment so this is why it took me so long to get back to you.
The parallels between our fathers as we both know are astounding.
We’ll be alright though despite their ill wishes.
Beautiful.
It must have been hard for you to write this, but you did, and you should be proud. This is very beautifully written, very powerful.
A-fucking-men! I am in the exact same boat as you. Except I wouldn’t ever post it because he sometimes trolls by, and I would never even want him to know I think about him, let alone miss him occasionally. He had a xanga once that was dedicated solely to bashing me. It’s at [crowbait]. That’s the kind of asshole he was…is.
Dear child, your anger does not stem from your father, but from your own heart, as it does in us all. All the same, I can relate to it so strongly that it is bringing back memories of those very feelings in me when I struggled with (and punished) my parents. I can almost feel them again, but this time, it makes me want to cry in sorrow and shame.
And Jehovah smelled the sweet savor; and Jehovah said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man’s sake, for that the imagination of man’s heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more everything living, as I have done. (Genesis 8:21)
Ye offspring of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh. The good man out of his good treasure bringeth forth good things: and the evil man out of his evil treasure bringeth forth evil things. And I say unto you, that every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned. (Matthew 12:34-37)
Perceive ye not, that whatsoever goeth into the mouth passeth into the belly, and is cast out into the draught? But the things which proceed out of the mouth come forth out of the heart; and they defile the man. For out of the heart come forth evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, railings: these are the things which defile the man; but to eat with unwashen hands defileth not the man. (Matthew 15:17-20)
A father’s job is not easy. It is a position of authority and responsibility. A father is in authority over his children for good reason. My daughters have chosen the same path you have. I told my eldest on the phone one day about 3 1/2 years ago that she had six billion people on this earth to choose friends from, and only one person who can be her father. I gave her a choice – if she wants a father, I’m right here. If not, do your thing – you’ll learn to regret it bitterly one day. She and my other daughter are now doing their own things (and they ain’t good from what I can gather), and I haven’t spoken to either one since that day. I’ve called many many times, sent flowers and cards on holidays, no response.
My conscience is clear – I refuse to abdicate my position as father in order to preserve an unnatural friendship with the souls I am placed in authority over and whom I am in large part responsible for. I haven’t abandoned them, they’ve abandoned me. My door and my heart remain open to them should they ever come to understand the things that have obviously escaped their grasp for the moment. My job as a father is to reflect, to the best of my ability, Eternal Father to them, to teach them the right way to relate to Him. As He waited for me and welcomed me with open arms on the day I turned back to him in sorrow and humility (having been utterly defeated by the world), I stand ready to welcome them back into my life regardless of the condition they’re in when and if they do. All that is required is the willingness on their part to do it. Of course, I don’t think it’s going to happen until they get knocked around by the world, just like I did. It’s a cruel master, and there isn’t much in the world short of a father’s love that can resist the attacks that are aimed at a child very soon after birth.
Jehovah is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart, And saveth such as are of a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous; But Jehovah delivereth him out of them all. He keepeth all his bones: Not one of them is broken. Evil shall slay the wicked; And they that hate the righteous shall be condemned. Jehovah redeemeth the soul of his servants; And none of them that take refuge in him shall be condemned. (Psalms 34:18-22)
Everything changed the day I turned back to Him. Strike that – nothing changed. But me. The Word of Life changes the person who reads it, not the illusory circumstances that surround him or her. It equips them to live in the world as it is (and how it’s going to be one glorious day). I’ll remember you in my prayers the next time I pray for my daughters. I hope you’ll consider what I’ve said here. May Eternal Father bless you, and comfort you, and draw you to Him, for His name’s sake, His glory, and the glory of His begotten and soon to return son Yeshua.
You’re right to have cut contact with your father. No one deserves such poison in their lives.
@AOK4WAY - not everyone’s situations are the same. you tried to contact them. my father let me go. also its not just me, his whole family doesnt talk to him anymore because he’s so evil. So please don’t compare him to you. You wouldn’t want to be in the same category as he is
@SnippiesBlog - I understand, Becca. I was as careful as I could be to avoid claiming any similarity other than superficially. What I really mean to say is that our focus shouldn’t be on what someone else does. We need to do as we were instructed by Yeshua himself:
Ye have heard that it was said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: but I say unto you, resist not him that is evil: but whosoever smiteth thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. Ye have heard that it was said, Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy: but I say unto you, love your enemies, and pray for them that persecute you; that ye may be sons of your Father who is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sendeth rain on the just and the unjust. For if ye love them that love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the Gentiles the same? (Matthew 5:38-39, 43-47)
But I say unto you that hear, love your enemies, do good to them that hate you, bless them that curse you, pray for them that despitefully use you. To him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and from him that taketh away thy cloak withhold not thy coat also. Give to every one that asketh thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again. And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise. And if ye love them that love you, what thank have ye? for even sinners love those that love them. And if ye do good to them that do good to you, what thank have ye? for even sinners do the same. And if ye lend to them of whom ye hope to receive, what thank have ye? even sinners lend to sinners, to receive again as much. But love your enemies, and do them good, and lend, never despairing; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be sons of the Most High: for he is kind toward the unthankful and evil. Be ye merciful even as your Father is merciful. And judge not: and you shall not be judged: and condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: release, and ye shall be released: give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, shall they give into your bosom. For with what measure ye mete it shall be measured to you again. (Luke 6:27-38)
I have tried to contact my daughters, that’s true, but I’ve done so knowing they wouldn’t respond. I do it to keep my conscience clear down the road. I don’t want to risk waking up one day with a new understanding, and regretting not having tried. Of course, that’s a confession of weakness on my part. I’ll have to work on praying for them with more faith!
Release! Be released! Guard your conscience! If therefore the Son shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed! (John 8:36)
Wow, what a speech above me about really nothing except the opposite of this post. There is one in every crowd that has to use your emotional pain to try and convert you. I went through it recently also. Ugh. Good luck with being saved… wow, that person doesn’t even realize they don’t have a clue.
Anyway, the reason I am posting is that this is beautifully written. My wife’s father has never met our children and never will. He’s not a nice man by any means. The one time he attempted to contact us I explained (politely) the error of his ways and what would happen if he tried again. I don’t know all of the details of what happened when my wife was a child (and I don’t want or need to know) but I know enough. I have watched my wife fight with herself occasionally, if she is making the right decisions. However, her siblings have all severed contact with him also so she feels vindicated now.
I don’t know what to say to you except to say that it sounds like you are making the best decision for yourself and your children. And, if he bothers you, call me. I’m a damn good shot
Wow, Why didn’t I see this post before? That just breaks my heart to see Dad’s throw away a jewel like their daughter. Why can’t they see that inoccent love a daughter has for their father and nurture it.I hope my 3 daughter’s know how I feel about them and I hope I can be there for my 4 granddaughters I have so far. There really is no greater love on this Earth besides the love of God for us, than the love that SHOULD be there between a dad and his daughter. When I see or hear of a man treating his daughter with disrespect or hate, I just want to take a 2X4 to their head. If they could only get rid of their selfishness and see what they are missing. Girls are such a blessing and it’s so sad at how their pure love can be abused and taken advantage of and destroyed.
Becca, I’m so sorry you have had to deal with this.If your dad could only see what he missed. I JUST DON’T GET IT MEN. WHAT is wrong with you?
@buddly47 - really?
Becca you sound like you have found the safety and security he could not give. I also know you found the love you were missing with your children. It does not sound like he gave you any of these things, and I am sorry you were missing them. Even more sorry that he was not the Man and Father he should of been for you, every child deserves this!!!
Wow… I’m so sorry to hear this. I really how important it is for daughters to have healthy relationships with their fathers. It’s stories like this that renew my commitment to make sure my daughter will always know how much I love her. Amazing post, Bec.
Hey Becca, lots of worldly wisdom here. And obviously, lots of pain behind it. No surprise – they come together. Lots of outright foolishness here too. Scoffers and mockers with no understanding are easy enough to find. I pray that their eyes will be opened soon. I stand accused of using your emotional pain to convert you. But what I’m really doing is trying to show you a way to be relieved of that pain entirely. It doesn’t matter whether it was inflicted by your father, your friend, your enemy, or yourself, pain is pain, and as is so effectively demonstrated here, the world will gladly feed the anger and resentment that causes it. Feed it, feed it, watch it grow, until it poisons your mind with hate. Freedom is in forgiveness.
BTW, why do followers of the way keep turning up to encourage people at times like this? Are we trying to take advantage of everyone’s emotional pain? Try this instead: A lot of us have suffered the same kinds of pain. A lot of us have done the things we warn people about, and things that most of you reading this would never even consider doing, and paid the price. We’ve been defeated and humbled. An old saying goes something like this: A wise man learns from his mistakes. A wiser man learns from someone else’s. Maybe some of us are just so grateful to have survived the things we’ve done and put ourselves through that we want, wherever and whenever we can, to help others avoid the mistakes we made, and to show others who may have already made a few mistakes of their own where to find the peace within that we all lost when we started making bad decisions.
We want to comfort, but not with empty words of validation – we have found true peace, and we want to share what we’ve found. Yeshua is the Way.
I can relate it hurts but i’ve gotten stronger going through hell and back.
What I’ve realized is that no one has a perfect family, people know that perfect is not a realistic goal, but many, many people feel bad anyway about not having a closer to perfect family.
Also, I think it’s just easy for men to be distant and give up on their families because in society the role of men has been to work when the woman is pregnant and work when she gives birth. He hasn’t historically gotten paternity leave and so he never gets to bond with his family like a woman does to her children. When things get tough, and most men will feel this way because most men will not make enough to support themselves let alone a family, he’ll feel that his family is the source of his problems in his life that they are holding him back. He does not see it as a labor of love, but a burden so he leaves feeling resentful and unappreciated, like the everyone else has teamed up against him.
I’m not sure how to fix the situation with your father or whether or not it should be fixed at all. I’m just thinking out loud and sharing just in case it might help you come to terms or find a solution.
Beautiful entry.
Having “one parent” is something that many people go through. Some people simply can’t stand one parent for obvious reasons, but for others, it’s just more than one simple reason.
I think that’s a sign of growing up/maturity. It’s so much easier to just not be mad about it and just simply accept that fact.
Wow. Thanks for sharing that.
I wanted to get in touch with my dad against my mother’s wishes.. but I grew up and accepted the fact that he is… unkind. You are absolutely right about the leaving parent’s not being able to handle it. But me makes me angry because of the fact that he can still take the ‘credit’ of being my ‘father’.
Amazing…
i pretty much agree with everyone that has commented before me.
but dont ever feel like you arent important, or not special. because you can tell just by this one post that you have so much potential. you’re really an inspiring writer (:
My comment might be a little late but I had to leave something. I know what you’re going through with this maybe not for the same reasons but I lost my father a long time ago and I still havent healed. He was my whole world. He used to call me daddy’s little princess. Then he left and ended up in prison. I havent heard from him in almost 11 years now and I don’t plan on ever speaking to him again because I’m not sure I could or not. And as far as I’m concerned I’m better off without him even though I do miss him. Just thought I would let you know you’re not alone in this. So if you ever need anyone to talk to you can message me sometime. I’ll always be here. ~B
This is a terrific post.
I have always believed that a father’s role is an important one, I have also resented that not enough people feel that way. Your brave post proves my point.
I’m sorry your dad was such a shit.Mine is too.
All the best for 2009.
Your entry really touched my heart. It really hit home for me. Except, the only difference is that I haven’t left him yet. I feel that I can’t. Like I’m trapped or something. Like I don’t want to disappoint my other family members.
Life’s really tough with a dad like that…but seeing that you made it through, I hope I can too. I really hope I can too. Thank you.
aww *hug*
Been there too. I guess you just have to move on
this was soo good. very powerful + emotional. the relationship with my dad has always been really great, so reading stories like this really help me get an idea of what it must be like. i’m sorry though. i hope you felt better after writing all that out.
yea. i have father issues too. ive always wanted to just bail on him but i know i never will. he was never around when i was younger and when he was it was hell. after the divorce things got alittle better around the house. i got to see him once every 2 weeks. back then his word of advice to me went something like this. “you dont need money to live happy. you can just live off of other people”. he mootched off of others for about 10 years after the divorce or ”if you want to go to college you better join the military because you wont see a dime coming from my wallet” even though he blaims the military for his horrible life. but he blaims alot of things for his life. he blaims everything but himself. then he met my stepma (i hate her but i feel sorry for her as well) then he started getting hardcore about my grades in school. it was like having an asian parent where if you dont get a 4.0 you are worthless. every time the report card came home he would punish me. then my grades started to slip after that and he would punish me more. it wasnt physical punishment it was verbal punishment which he made worst than physical punishment. he once told the school i was suicidal because he didnt get his way with something stupid. once he found out i was staying an extra year in high school he tried to get me to drop out and get a job working for him. i chose to stay in high school which pissed him off.
I’m taking the anger out on myself. I’ve been so self destructive because of him, he has done so many evil things I can’t talk about. As soon as I can I am moving out and never speaking to him again. Sorry whining a bit, but your post is making think about not letting him do this to me. Thanks.
i too have had huge issues with my father and no longer are on speaking terms. we havent spoken for several years also. he was punishing me for the way he was raised eventually and abandoned and has also done it to a couple of my other siblings. but you do learn to cope, deal, and eventually heal in your own way. you arent alone.
It has to be hard to post something like this. You are a strong person, and I admire it.
I’m sorry you and your siblings grew up without knowing a father’s love. I lost my father far too early, and he was not perfect, but I knew he loved me unconditionally. It was not that way with my mother. I hope your mother was a positive influence in your life.
Kathi
I get it,
I never really had a dad either.
never seen him,
haven’t heard from in the fourteen years I’ve been alive,
and its because he doesn’t feel like bothering with me,
I suppose he considers me a burden.
But you are very strong person to overcome that,
hope I end up just like that when i’m older.
I could not imagine not having my daughters in my life. Even though my time with them is limited, I cherish what little time I do get with them. He may one day regret this. Great post.
I’m glad you wrote about this. I’m 18 and have been “fatherless” for as long as I can remember. Like you said about not missing what you don’t know, I don’t really know what it’s like to have one, so technically I can’t really miss it, but you were also right in that every daughter still needs a father. My brother tries to tell me girls don’t need dads which I find ridiculous. I know it’s his fault, but something is missing, something is off. “Losing” my father was not my choice, but I may have to soon choose to “lose” my mom too. You are very strong for being able to make that choice to stop talking to him even though it is painful, it is for the best. Sorry for talking so much about myself! & Thanks again for writing that!
Impressive post.
I know just how you feel. I haven’t seen nor spoken to my father in 6 years. Part of me misses him so much, yet I’m also angry with him for walking out on the family (He left when I was 5.). The best one can do in situations like this to heal and cope with it. It’s a rough process and I deal with it the best way possible.
At least I know I don’t feel alone in this. Thank you for writing this post.
I’m really sorry that your father is like that. i’m sure you will show your kids much love
Yeah, I haven’t talked to my father in quite the number of years, either. Then again, it may have something to do with the sexual and physical abuse I finally called him out on. Caused quite the stir-up.
I understand the trauma of losing a father, I truly do. It’s that void you’ll always have, yet don’t want it to be filled.. at least, not with the fathers we had, or the way they were.
Good luck to you.
This sounds like I could have written it, minus having children and missing him.
great post. you’re amazing. an inspiration to all. :]
I guess this just goes to remind everyone how important it is to be a good parent when it is our turn to be one.
hmm, so much to say about this. I was an absent dad, not by my choice. I fought, and I won but it’s never going to be the same.
amen to that!
*hug*
Hi becca!
Your entry was powerfully written as mentioned before and really encouraged me. I’m glad that you’re so strong and able to accept this and try to move on. You don’t deserve this from your earthly father, but you have a father up above always looking after you who loves you a lot 
God bless you always! Jesus loves you 
I miss my grandpa though I never knew him [I did meet him in a dream once though, call me crazy].
But I also know he wasn’t a mean man. And I’m very sentimental.
Hopefully your kids will understand.
I had that sort of relationship with my biological father. He was a raging alcoholic and walked out of my life when I was young. I also lacked the love needed by a father, and it still leaves me looking in all the wrong places I think. I’m almost 22 years old now, but when I was 19 years old, I hadn’t seen him in over eight years. But sadly he committed suicide before I ever had the chance to really let him know how I felt about everything.
Wow…this entry really spoke to me. My boyfriend has a lot of uncontrollable anger and emotional problems and I always ALWAYS think that it stems from his awful history with his father. Cheating on his mother, moving in and out from his mother to ‘the other woman’ again…never speaking to him without shouting or insulting or verbally abusing him….finally leaving altogether, when he was pretty old (17 I think)..
It was a long time to see a father twisting and torturing his own family and by the time he left…the damage had already been done and I guess it will still take awhile for my boyfriend to heal…
Just wanted to say that it was brave of you to write this, and it’s really sad how many people probably suffer these issues from losing a father (or mother, even)…
Here’s hoping you can all grow and heal enough to always be happy and secure.
this is so sad! but i’m glad you wrote about it, it helps a lot doesn’t it?
Sad but true … you can choose your friends but not your relatives ’cause you’re kinda stuck with ‘em !
On a lighter note … HAPPY NEW YEAR and best wishes for ’09 !!!
wow, thank you for sharing this!!
I’m sorry it happened, but you’re better off.
you are a strong person !!!!
For a while I couldn’t figure out why I had so much anger~ but I’m glad I no longer blame myself for it
It’s difficult and for my future kids, they will never know of a grandfather~ he doesn’t deserve the honor.
Wow. My daughter has not seen nor spoken to her father in 4 years. She is 15 and has not seen him since she was 11. He lives 6 miles away. I want her to read your entry…it was really powerful. Thank you. Susan
I saw the first line on the front page of xanga and I thought I was reading my own life story. It hasn’t been as long with my dad. It has only been a matter of months. I miss him and want him to call but don’t answer his calls when he does. That is really screwed up, right? But I gave him a choice. It was the drugs or me. I had done it for 33 years and just couldn’t anymore. Sad to think he chose the drugs over his daughter – his only child.
My dad has been more-or-less absent from birth. When my parents divorced (just before I was born), he decided I wasn’t his. He later kidnapped my two older sisters and took off to Nevada, where they ended up in state custody because he was an alcoholic and not taking care of them. My mom got them back, but my dad still had partial custody of them. I was left without a dad, watching him take his “legitimate” daughters for the weekends. I could come if I wanted, but was not obligated to.
When I was an adult with kids of my own, he finally admitted that I was his. But what’s the point? I needed a dad growing up. I’d since learned to find other father figures to lean on.
I talked to him on Christmas Day. My sister called, and he was staying with her for the holidays. It was like talking to someone else’s dad who you really didn’t know. Small talk, awkward conversation.
I’m not that angry anymore. Just disappointed, and extremely grateful that my husband knows how to be a father to our kids, despite his own dad’s stupidity. I guess roses really do grow out of manure.
I know exactly how you feel. I went through the same situation with my father. He got the the point where he was so miserable and nasty that I cut him completely out of my life and I was 13. It is the hardest feeling to feel unwanted by your own father. I wished he would just fight to want to see me and love me but he never did. I totally agree with you that its so hard and you do learn to just cope. Yet when I felt that way I remembered that I had my family and friends that loved me and in a way you find love to cope. However, the father situation does leave a scar on the heart. Just know your not alone.
This is the first post that I have ever been able to relate to regarding my father. I haven’t seen/spoke to him in exactly 10 years. Unfortunately for me, my family sides with him and I’ve been cut out of our family. Most of all I mourn the lost of my entire family – the holiday dinners, seeing my cousins grow, etc. It’s been such a difficult time for me.
how old are you and your siblings.
Good post. I’m sorry your father hasn’t been there and I wish you luck in trying to overcome this.
@ricky50 - i’m 32. I have a sister that he only met once and she’s 19. Then he has 2 kids with his current wife who are 15 and 16. They live with him still.
i know how you feel. i’m 16 and have never met my father, i have sent him letters and he replied once. i want to meet him, but like you said about your kids, it might be for the better if i dont. he abused my mom and my brother. before i read your post, i thought maybe it had something to do with me, but i dont feel that way anymore. thank you.
I no longer speak to my father as well. i was kicked out of my home about 4 years ago, and because i was talking to an uncle of mine that he didnt want me talking to. Pretty crazy outcome i think; theres 4 of us brothers, and he has custody of the last one which is 7 years old. He doesnt let us see him EVER and on holidays when we do see him, he thinks we are evil people. My dad brain washes him into thinking we left my dad and didnt want anything to do with my 7 year old brother.
I know exactly what you are saying. I too have an absent father, however I’m still trying to learn how to control my anger and also to learn that not all men are like him. Great post, and my best of wishes to you! HUGS
Talking, blogging, sharing…it doesn’t erase the hurt, but it does ease its tightness somewhat.
Glad to hear the strength in your “voice.” Keep writing!
I can relate to a lot of what you said.
I’m seventeen and I don’t really communicate with my Father. He left when I was 1 and came back when I was 11, but what do you say to a man that you barely know? We live in the same house and don’t talk. It saddens me sometimes because I have the choice, I just don’t know how, you know? But my dad doesn’t know how to be a dad, he grew up without parents (it’s very tragic) but I just don’t know what to do.
But I get where you’re coming from.
I hope I’m as strong as you in the future (:
oh man i feel you 100%! I haven’t seen or spoken to my father for 16 years now = beautifully written
I never really knew my father and I only met him a handful of times for short amounts of time. He was a drug addict and my mom divorced him when I was about 4 years old, so I do not remember him at all. I do wonder what it is like to have a real father, but I also know it is best I didn’t have to live around drugs and police arrests in the middle of the night. I saw him at my grandfather’s funeral and he didn’t even recognise me. My older brother took a girlfriend a few years ago to the restaurant he worked at just to show her who his father is and he didn’t give them a second-glance either. I think it is best that way.. None of my friends or boyfriend have ever met him and if I have children, they won’t either.I had an evil, abusive step-dad who cheated on my mom and who I feared
growing up and my mom finally divorced him too, so I was very happy for
a while not to have a father figure, but on days like Father’s Day or other dad-centric events, I felt a bit of longing.. It’s really emberessing to tell people my father is some pothead I never knew when they ask “what does your father do?” because most people at my college have a successful father who is still around. But it has never held me back, and I will not start letting it now!
xoxo. we (everyone) have our tough times at our own homes too.. you’re not alone.
I also don’t talk to my father for similiar reasons, and it’s terribly difficult. Good luck working through it.
Shelby Stone…Cherry Picking Time by A1AdultEbooks.com
Dearest Becca,
I read your blog, and my heart went out to you.
I myself had a similar situation of resentment and anger, with my mother. I was raped by my stepfathers brother when I was eight years old.I couldn’t tell anyone as he told me he would kill me if I told anyone, so every night for a month, when my parents went to work, he attacked me.After a month of this abuse and living in total fear, knowing what was going to happen each night, I started bleeding in my underwear, my mothernoticed the blood and asked me what was going on. I broke down and told her, because she didn’t want to anger my stepfather by accusing his brother, she sent me away to my grandparents leaving my uncle living in the house. In the mind of a child, I felt dirty and like I had done something wrongand was being punished by sending me away.
Of course as I grew older, I not only resented the uncle, but my mother for not supporting me. I wanted nothing to do with her for years.In the past couple of years I have gone through many trials, These trials brought me very close to God, this closeness has brought me a peace, that fills my heart and soul with peace,hope, and love, and most importantly, forgiveness.
I am now 49yrs old and my mom is 72., I realized I was cheating myself with resentment and anger, These negative feelings were eating me alive.I chose to forgive my mother, and yes, even my uncle.What they did was wrong, but if our Lord and Savior could give his life for my sins to be forgiven, who was I to not forgive them?
My mother and I are now close, I don’t know how long she’ll live, and in my heart I’m saddened by the time I have wasted, wasted with anger and even at times, hatred.Please try to at least, tell your father you forgive him, I am not saying you should have a relationship with him, that’s entirely up to you,But are you prepared to not having any contact with him, or he with your children? Maybe losing him entirely, before you have time to say, you forgive him or that despite his ugliness, you want some time with him, don’t wait until it’s too late.
I am in no way, judging you, but let the Lord guide your heart,” vengence is mine”, sayeth the Lord, Let him judge your father. Let go of the anger and resentment, not for him, but for you………..
God Bless and guide you………………Jodi
This blog is a favorite of mine because it is personal for you to share and touching for others who read it. I totally agree with you that girls need their fathers. I am not sure why we do but I think that I have some unresolved issues due to an absent father. My experience, or the way I have grown up, causes me to think carefully about who I would have a child with. Thank you for sharing this!
Your description of your father is very similar to how I describe my father. My daughter was 10 years old before I let him meet her. At this time, my father reached a point in his life where everyone has walked out on him. He drives people off, yet he doesn’t want to be left alone. I have forgiven him, but I still don’t trust him. We meet only at public gatherings. During the holidays, I stay with my brother and visit my father when he comes over.
It’s great you are able to stay strong and let other people know that even though it’s a hard situation you can still be a happy person with a good life
My fiance’s dad seems to be similar to yours. He kept him from having friends, experiencing life. He made him do 100% of the work around the house. He yelled at him, sceamed at him, fought with him, kept him from talking to his mother for about 8 years. He convinced him to cheat on me. He lied to him. He lied to me. He manipluated his mother into sole ownership of his property so he could file bankruptcy without it being in his name.
It’s been about 2 years since my finace has associated with him, and I know our relationship is better for it.
Congratulations for yourself.
@Laryssa - want mine? I hope that I’m not being insensitive.
i loved this. i didn’t talk to my dad in 10 years and when i did. it wasn’t right. i always wondered what it’d be like to see him again and when i did, i wish i hadn’t. anyway – i have that anger and i really have problems with controlling it sometimes.. i’m really learning to cope and deal with it. i need to grow and adapt to life. =) best wishes to you!
My husband is going through this with his father right now. He disowned him a little over a year ago, finally cutting the ties from that abuse and dysfunction. And even though it’s the best thing to do, he sees healthy father/son relationships and can’t help but feel angry, and sad, and let down. My prayers and thoughts are with you. Your strength and resolve are inspiring!
I have been a single parent. It was a struggle then for me. My son has only seen his real dad twice in his life. He is 13 now and recently attended a new school where he met his half brother he never knew. They even look alike. Still a meaningless relationship with father and brother. What a waste on their part. When a man does not want responsibility he hides from the truth. I continued to raise my son alone until he was 10 and I am proud that I did not have to ask his father for nothing. He considers his stepdad as his father. And I told my son that he has not missed a thing.
My father was gone before I was born. On the few occasions I have met him, the real thing I sense missing is his care. A brief visit to this stranger who’s my father is awkwardness and multi-dimensional feelings, but no parenting. Hey-ho and all that. Abandoned kids have no minority group or cultural recognition, we are just loose and emotionally wild. There’s nothing wrong with the universe and we’re all the sperm that made it, not having something can be seen as freedom… I hope you enjoy some of that
we’re all mad here
yea… my dad is not that awsome either. but what can you do? lets hang in there.
Awh, I feel you on this. I am in a similar type of situation as you. I am just glad both of us are able to move on with our lives. =]
i have nearly the exact same situation as you do so i totally understand, it’s nice to know i’m not the only one who is experiencing this, thanks for posting this up!
lol.. I haven’t seen my dad in about 8 yrs or so..
It’s a complicated story and so I won’t get into the details. We’ve met up with him after 8 years and now that I’ve been seeing him for the last 3 years, he’s more of an a$$hole than ever and the more I get to know him the more I want to punch his fuzzing face!
He isn’t mean nor have the power to separate my sister and I (we live with our mother). But his extreme selfish and money minded behavior makes him a total jerk. He also can’t communicate properly so he talks like a prick. He takes advantage of you regardless if you are his son or not. He’s violent and when his anger goes out of control he’ll beat you. He’s pretty darn much the father that I’ll never want to see again.
If I were you, I would’ve done the same. I’m proud of you.
HI
Wishing you peace, and healing. You deserved better; I am so sorry you had a father who was unable- or unwilling, for whatever reasons, to give better. Every child deserves a loving father, and I hope that you know you did, too- his poor choices had nothing to do with your worth. Lisa
hey u have no clue who i am…i just saw your name after i commented on someone elses page as the “top page”=)
i read your whole story…and you have NO reason to listen to this post. but i just wanted to say i love you. there are many kinds of love, in hebrew there are 4…i believe they’re love between family, friendly/comrade love, sexual btwn husband and wife=), and unconditional.
i have a father on earth…and he’s a typical chinese dad that has never said “i love you” in his entire life. he has beat me, spoken down to me, discouraged me, and gotten angry at me over the smallest things….he will take his knowledge of working on siding, cars, plumbing, singing, and many things with him to the grave…bc he couldn’t taught, and was quick to anger and pouted like a baby when someone else wronged him. (i never had a grandpa on dads side and my other grandpa died 2 years ago.)
so what am i saying??? we don’t have the same situations…but somehow i can empathize with you. i didn’t have the greatest father, and he left many times, and i think it hurt (JUST TO ME!) more sometimes that he was there, but not really there…
i wanna share w/you that i feel like i can truly say “i love you”…because someone else has shown me this unconditional love. this unconditional love…not as an earthly father, but a heavenly father, one that never abandons me, never fails me, and one that has displayed the greatest love EVER that i cannot fully contain…why…in my own problems, in my own messed up mind, would someone of his position look down to me…and offer me love…offer me life…
i didn’t get to read other comments, but i hope someone told you the greatest truth. that you have a Heavenly Father in Heaven. and i will speak faithfully of what He has spoken to me, and IS speaking to you.
He doesn’t need us…but he DESIRES US….he WANTS us…and he LOVES YOU with all his HEART, his MIND, his STRENGTH.
he offers his love and presence to his children, and allows his children to point and display that love to others.
3 months ago i couldn’t truly tell you “i love you” because i was just in my own selfish love…just looking at how the world wasn’t fair to me…but i have found a community that has truly displayed “unconditional love” to me…and pointed me to the source of it. i’ll fail you…you’ll fail me…we’ll fail people…but we can’t take camp there…greater love is the one that we can confess our problems with others…and even then we still stick together, and we pray for healing and we ask God to give us victory over it. i will be praying for healing for you and if you have any specific things that you need/want me to pray for, please share them. please don’t feel obligated to read all this=P, or even respond. (you’re probably thinking this asian guy who hasn’t used xanga in 4 yrs is crazy…but i am truly crazy about this profound love…and i love my kids (youth i work with) and i see that even though our generation may not have received it, it doesn’t mean that we can offer it to the next generation. we probably can’t take back the anger and abandonment done to us in the past….but OHHH WOW…i will love my youth, and invest in this next generation THAT MUCH MORE…because My Source of Love is truly Worthy, and is abounding in love enough for me to experience it daily and spread it to others.
I LOVE YOU (In that last hebrew way), please contact me dogchousam@gmail.com if you ever want to vent or cuss someone out…i’d prefer you to do it to me than anyone else! haha…for real though, you’re not alone. WE love you
My dad used to always work outstation when he was younger. I never missed him. There would be an odd edge in the house due to the sudden lack of him, but there was never the emptiness of missing someone. I don’t really see the problem with your absent father. But I guess it’s not the same at all: I knew he’d be back soon and happy to see the family; you never had such certainty.
I worry about my daughter. her dad is not around and probably never will be. I worry that I won’t enough, as a mom That I won’t be enough. That she will grow up seeking approval in men who will use her for sex and she will confuse it for love. I worry that she will want more, because she thinks she is missing something. I am worried…. I don’t know what to do.
very imressive
Call Dr. Laura