December 3, 2008
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Dear Snippie #25 (Too anxious to have sex)
Question:
So I’ve recently been deflowered and when we did it I was severely intoxicated. Which was good because I wasn’t anxious about it at all. I have anxiety problems, and sex is particularly anxiety-inducing. Anyway, my boyfriend and I tried having sex recently and it really hurt, and I inadvertently pulled away every time he laid a hand on me. I then had a major anxiety attack, threw him off of me and cried in the bathroom for like, 15 minutes. Is there any way for me to acclimate myself to being close with someone? What are some good ways to slowly ease in to being physical? Is it normal for sober sex to be so much more…awful? Thanks so much for any input.Answer:
I’m so sorry you’re having such a terrible time with sex. It should be a wonderful thing to share with someone you love. Just because you’ve had sex once with your partner please don’t feel pressured to do it again. Obviously you weren’t ready the first time. Tell him this. Talk to him. Let him know you’re not ready and you’ll let him know when you are. Sex should come naturally and both parties involved should be comfortable. Just wait. You’ll know when you’re ready again.———-
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Comments (27)
I might suggest that this is something that mey need to be worked out in therapy. There may be some latent traumatic experience that is causing this to happen. One thing is for sure. You should not have to get drunk in order to be able to enjoy sex.
I think your answer Snippie, is the best. I’d definitely recommend talking to the boyfriend. It sounds like to me she just isn’t ready for sex, yet. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
When you’re ready to have sex, take it slow. There’s no need to rush things.
Just to let you know – yes, sex does hurt the first couple of times. After that, though, it’ll be comfortable..and WONDERFUL. Haha.
Vanedave is right, she needs to talk to a professional therapist. This is not normal behavior. Was she so drunk the first time that she really didn’t consent? Feels he may have taken advantage of her condition? This could be a little deep seated for this type of discussion.
Talking about it with your boyfriend seems like the best policy to take at the moment (if you need further assistance, then advisory should be a therapists). After much talking, you’ll know when you’ll be ready to try sex again. Don’t let yourself be rushed into anything you’re not ready yet. Like many Xangans have said: it should come natural, no rushing through it.
first of..it should come naturally. not drunk. your emotions are all wacked out if you have sex drunk..high..whatever. so talk to your boyfriend about that..like snippie says. but physicially..to help with the pain. CONTROL THE PAIN. how? you be on top, and you ease down on his…you know. that way you can control the pain your receiving..and if he thrust..smack him! lol.
maybe she thinks that the pain is because of her boyfriend. which technically it is but it’s not purposely done, its just part of the process to hurt.
my first time involved me clinging on to my partners back. he was on top and my hands probably stayed marked on his back from how much it hurt for him to go in. lol i laugh at it now. unfortunately for me, the 2 other times we tried or did, it STILL hurt.
if she feels ready and tries again she should know that it is normal to hurt and that its nothing purposely indduced by her bf. if she realizes for sure shes not ready then yes, she should talk to her bf and tell him she is NOT ready and no longer wants to continue sex.
good luck
@cre13 - I agree … open the lines of communication about it; the rest will follow in time.
Sex is more like an ending to me than a beiginning anyway, so if she really feels like she wants to work this out, she just needs to take sex off the table for now……..and then eventually (when the kids aren’t home) I recommend the table!! LOL, M
@kidzandK9z - LOL!!! Remind me not to eat at your house
I agree with Dave. You shouldn’t feel this way about sex. It can be a nervous experience, but he should be careful with you and willing to help you through it. And if he is all these things and you are comfortable with him then it might be you. And you might not be ready and that is ok. Just take your time, and talk to someone who can help you like a psychologist or a sexual abuse counselor (<–doesn’t mean you have been abused but they can help in situations like this)
@bosefius - Aww, I thought that your were coming over for dinner later!!! Misty
@vanedave - I agree. She is associating sex with the traumatic experience. She needs some sort of therapy.
Don’t do it because you feel you need to do it, do it because you want to.
When you are ready get some ecstacy and take it with your partner. You will know when it is time.
Take it slow. Talk to your partner, and when you feel you are ready, try again, but go slow, foreplay may help lower the anxiety, and if at any time you feel pressured and panicky, stop, take a break, cuddle or if you feel better not touching, just sit and talk to each other till you feel more normal, and either continue or halt the activities for a while. Just move at your own pace, don’t be rushed.
i agree
Great answer. I completely agree.
Why do the men feel that she needs therapy!? LOL. Anyway, I think that it is most likely anxiety because of guilt or just simply that she’s just NOT READY. I think you’ve said exactly what needs to be said. It’s not something that should be rushed only to be regretted later.
If she feels she is ready for it and is REALLY wanting to be able to move forward with things then I’d recommend foreplay and mood setting…not to rush it at all…if it happens, it happens and if not then maybe later. Talk to him and be straight with him about how you feel.
If later, after you honestly think you’re ready and if you’re still having anxiety attacks…maybe then take it to the doc.
See your therapist to just tell them what happened and then dont put any pressure on your self about the next time.If it happens naturally you will be ready and relaxed and if your boyfriend is any good it should become the greatest form of stress relief EVER.Sex done naturally and with the right partner is the greatest.Good luck
I agree. Sounds like this is a case of not being ready.
@bosefius - Now thats funny
Sex can be confusing even with married couples. So much misunderstanding. Sometimes I wish we could read each others minds, then I think, no that wouldn’t be such a good idea!
i m wondering if its true that all girls squirt? whats the difference between cum and squirt? thanks alot
I’m sorry to hear that your first experience with sex was while you were drunk. It was incredibly irresponsible of your boyfriend to do that to you—depending on how it went, it may have been RAPE. It seems to me like this guy is bad news.
Sex should be about love and sharing with your partner. It should never hurt and should never cause anxiety.
I too am sorry you are having such a bad time. I agree with the @SnowGlobe2954 - @SnowGlobe2954 - post. Just take care of what you need and want. There is no rush.
@Fairywife - It’s not the case for everyone.
I am not trying to burst anyone’s bubble but not everyone is able to have pain free sex. I know cause I cant. Its a problem i have had since I started 12 yrs ago. I can count on one hand the amount of time it was bearable.
I would suggest seeing a Gyno, he/she may have you looked at to see if there was any tearing, physical abnormalities or if you are like me and have triggers that cause you to tense up soo bad that you are almost impossible to get through (tight by fear maybe?). I was given some botox injections to release the tensed muscle and it works. It just isnt permanent.
I have also been told that it could be that your not completely “poped” and that its tearing slowly or its too thick for it to break for a while.
I have all these theories as to what it is, but all I know is that its not fun. You lose your sex drive and your partner begins to feel like its his fault. Which its noones.
I hope that you find the answers you are looking for… if you need to talk to someone I can offer support. There are support groups for this also. Dont feel like you are alone (if it goes on for yrs)